She’s exchanging salacious messages with her ‘uncle’

Dear Counsellor,

I have been in a relationship since 2012. Both of us are very jealous of each other, which leads to confrontations at times. She has told me that she has no one else, but once while she was asleep I gained access to her phone and found evidence that she was being unfaithful. I confronted her and she admitted it and we talked things over. Recently, I put a scan on her phone so that I can see each WhatsApp message she sends and receives. After seeing conversations, I kept asking her questions about a particular man. She said he was her paternal uncle. But there’s no way he could be family, based on the tone of their conversations. She even got another family member to help with the deception. Please give me your feedback on this.

Trust is a critical component of any type of relationship, but moreso in a romantic relationship. The partners must strive to maintain faithfulness and endeavour to be honest and transparent in their interactions with each other.

It is obvious that in the early years of the relationship the trust was impaired, and subsequent allegations of your partner’s infidelity have not helped in the trust restoration process.

With increased technological advances, partners in relationships are now tracking each other’s private communication to find proof of unfaithfulness. People are spending more time and effort to search for the negatives and less time on building the positives of the relationship.

If there are challenges in areas of the relationship that need improvement, then it’s incumbent on the partners to talk about the issues and commit to fixing them. When you found out in the early stages that your partner was cheating and she confirmed same, what was her motivation for going outside of the relationship? Were there some missing elements that you both could have worked on but neglected to do so? The point I am making is, can you honestly say that you did not contribute to whatever was going on in the relationship?

Don’t get me wrong. I am not condoning the alleged infidelity of your partner. If in fact she is being unfaithful and is using family members to assist her in weaving a web of deception, this is indeed unacceptable. It is said that people who cheat will also lie to conceal their unbecoming behaviour. Sometimes cheaters are successful in executing their game but most times they are exposed, moreso with the aid of technology.

If you have what you believe is incriminating evidence against your partner and she vigorously rejects your claim, then you both would need third-party intervention, such as a counsellor, to listen to what presently exists in the relationship and suggest how the challenges can be best resolved.

One thing is certain. Your jealous nature will always drive you to be in the detective mode, always digging up evidence. Whenever you become overly suspicious, you will even perceive evidence in stories that have no foundation in truth, so be careful.

Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to agapemft@gmail.com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@seekingshalom.org.