Boyfriend is no longer attracted to me
Dear Counsellor,
I have read a few of your articles in All Woman and I must say you give great advice!
Recently my boyfriend expressed to me that he is not sexually attracted to me and it has affected my confidence. I asked why, and a clear answer was not provided. Could you please advise if there is anything we can do as a couple for him to be attracted to me again? What are some of the possible reasons why he may no longer be attracted to me?
I am not sure how long you and your partner have been relating, but couples who have been together for quite a while tend to take each other for granted and so lose the emotional and physical attraction they once had.
It may mean that one or both partners have changed physically, so one or both may not feel sexually attracted to the other based on body image. It is incumbent on both partners to keep their physical bodies in good shape and work together to motivate each other to keep the physical attraction alive and active.
What happens in the pre-sex moments to make you sexually appealing to your partner? When you get home and change out of your work clothes and put on your “house” clothes, is it the “grandmother” cotton duster, or a pair of shorts and tube top? And at night, is it suggestive nightwear that leaves little to the imagination, or the tattered red nightie? Even one of his T-shirts would do wonders to get his attention.
In the sack, how would you describe your contribution to the act? Initiator or non-initiator? Spectator or participant? Active participant or non-participant? Cheerleader or vibes breaker? Spontaneous or rigid? Innovative, or uncreative? In other words, it could be that your partner is saying he wants a little more excitement.
But you can’t know what pleases him unless he is prepared to say. He can’t expect you to read his mind. I imagine he does not want to hurt your feelings by saying what is wrong, so you must be at the place where you will take the criticism as constructive with the goal of improving the sexual relations. It could be that he has a fantasy he wants to introduce but is not sure you would embrace it. So a conversation needs to be had at the right time and place, certainly not before the act. One day or night when both of you are relaxing, raise the topic and have him know that you really want to please him sexually and you are hurt that he refuses to give you the opportunity to do so. You can probably use this column to start the conversation.
If you have serious objections to what he may wish, then say so and give your reasons. If, however, the requests are reasonable and would require little or no more effort on your part, then do what is necessary to make it happen.
If you do all the above and your partner is still dissatisfied, then it would be best that both of you see a sex therapist as there might be an issue with sexual desire on the part of your partner that can be addressed as a couple. All the best.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to agapemft@gmail.com or powellw@seekingshalom.org . Check out his work on www.seekingshalom.org and his Facebook page at www.facebook.com/MFTCounselor/ .
