My purity is a burden
Dear Counsellor,
I am having an issue that I am seeking advice on. I am a young woman in her early 20s who has never had a serious relationship before. I think part of the reason is that I am a virgin and from my experience that has been a turn-off for some guys. I recently met a young man who I am interested in and I think he feels the same. My question is, do you think I should tell him that I am a virgin?
Three to four decades ago virginity was considered a proud accomplishment. Men who were settling down to get married would desire women who were “undefiled” and “untouched”.
Fast-forward to the existing era and virginity seems to be a bad word, and as you say, a turn-off for some men. As a matter of fact, if a young man today reports that he is a virgin he is considered a misfit.
There seems to be an unwritten rule and expectation that the teenager, while in high school, should have some amount of sexual experience. So, according to this unstated rule, losing one’s virginity at an early age is a rite of passage into young adulthood. So for the young men and women who turn 20 and are not initiated in the “sex” club, their lives can be most miserable as they relate to their sexually active peers who boast of their sexual experience and prowess.
To be or not be a virgin is a personal choice. For those who choose to maintain sexual purity at whatever age, their decision should be respected whether the reason is religious or otherwise, and they should not made to feel humiliated or ridiculed.
The turn-off you speak of has to do largely with the painful ordeal some girls experience during the breaking-in process that scare the guy, worse if some blood is shed.
If the young man you are interested in gives an indication that he may not value your decision to maintain your virginity, then you may have to consider if you really want to be in a relationship with him. It would mean that in other aspects of the relationship he may discount your opinion and not give your views the respect they deserve.
If you wish to remain a virgin until marriage, is it that he would discredit your values and give you an ultimatum to give “it” up or else? Would you feel pressured to discard your moral or spiritual values to maintain the relationship?
These are some of the questions you need to ask yourself as being a virgin is nothing to be ashamed of and if and when he asks, you should be able to honestly declare your sexual purity with pride.
If he has a problem with your declaration, then you may have to think twice about moving forward with him. I implore you not to lower your personal standards to maintain a relationship.
Take care.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to agapemft@gmail.com or powellw@seekingshalom.org. Check out his work on www.seekingshalom.org and his Facebook page at www.facebook.com/MFTCounselor/.
