A tangled web of deceit
Dear Counsellor,
I am eight years into a relationship and six months ago my fiancé got a visa and went overseas. He has family there, so they found him a job. Anyway, about a week ago I got a message on Facebook from a woman inquiring about the link I have to my fiancé and why she sees my name on his Facebook so often. Before I could respond, she made it clear that they have been in a relationship for four months, recently acquired a place together, she was nine weeks pregnant with his child, and that they are now engaged.
At that moment those words crippled me. I searched for answers but could come up with nothing. We were building ourselves, even a house together, which he continued to send money home for me to work on. There were no signs. I got through to him whenever I reached out, he called at various hours, and we talked for hours. In fact, it’s like we were always on the phone planning and setting things into motion. The topic of a business marriage had even come up and I was thinking that I trust him enough not to do that. Now I just don’t know where I stand.
Do I pay him back his portion of the money invested in the house and call it quits? He has been begging for my forgiveness, begging me to travel to see him so he can iron things out, and trying to explain how it was all a terrible mistake and, of course, trying to tell me that he will divorce the woman as soon as his paperwork comes through. But even if I could ever forgive him, how could I even allow him to walk out on his child?
Even though the woman has been making my life a living hell and cyberbullying me, I am willing to walk away because I don’t deserve this. These days I drown myself in my work. I know I need a healthy avenue to vent. I don’t know where to start or what to do. I am just sitting in a tangled web. Help me, please.
So after eight years building a relationship, making plans and investing invaluable time and effort, after departing overseas it appears that your boyfriend seems to have disregarded the mutual game plan and ventured out on a solo plan.
The truth is, there are still people who believe that the way to make things better for themselves, and by extension other loved ones, is to go the route of business marriages. Your fiancé, enabled by his family members, decided that he would pursue this option.
Quite often the partner who is left behind is unaware of the master plan and the new partner is obviously kept in the dark as any suspicious move on the part of the master planner could derail the paperwork process.
You can appreciate, if not understand, why your fiancé withheld certain information from you. What he never expected was that his clandestine move would have been revealed to you by his new fiancée who also disclosed that she is carrying his child. What a tangled web he has spun!
The question is, are you prepared to be caught up in the web of deceit? I am not sure what the mistake is that he is referring to. Is he saying impregnating the woman was a mistake? If it was a mistake for him, it sure is not for her as she has proudly informed you that she is pregnant with his child. She will continue to make your life miserable as your status has now been reduced to the other woman.
The usual argument presented about marrying now and divorcing later after the paperwork is legitimatised, as you know, is not foolproof as he may change his mind, especially with the fact that he will have a child in the mix that he must consider.
Going abroad to see him is a decision you must make, but bear in mind that there is not much hope he can offer you in the position he is currently in. You must determine if you are prepared to close the chapter on the eight years and move on, or see whether his master plan for both of you to live happily ever after is fantasy or reality. It’s your call.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to agapemft@gmail.com or powellw@seekingshalom.org. Check out his work on www.seekingshalom.org and his Facebook page at www. facebook.com/MFTCounselor/ .
