Why decades-long marriages end in divorce

IT baffles the mind when we hear it: a couple who has invested decades into building a life together suddenly decides to abandon the relationship which both partners cultivated. And while many family members and friends never seem to wrap their heads around it, Relationship Counsellor Wayne Powell said that it is not difficult to understand; in fact, he says that there is a perfect explanation.

“Like a vehicle, for it to serve you faithfully it has to be routinely serviced. The same is required for decades-long marriages and committed relationships. If you fail to “service” the marriage/relationship, it will deteriorate over time,” Powell explained.

He explained that in these relationships there is usually a common denominator: too many partners in long-term relationships fail to make time for each other. He reasoned that what happens is that they become focused on the children, work, and other daily necessities of life, and pay little or no attention to each other.

“With all the couple’s energy being channelled into different areas of their lives, the zest of the initial stage of the relationship has been extinguished and now they take each other for granted. The date nights and all the intimate moments of the past are buried deeply, and neither of them has the desire or will to re-enact those special times,” Powell said, noting that this is a recipe for disaster.

Another common occurrence, Powell said, is that the role of lovers changes to that of business partners. In this case, the couple spends more time discussing how to manage the household affairs and exploring ways to stay afloat financially. He explains that this will eventually result in them drifting apart emotionally and blaming each other for the shift, and in these situations he says what often happens is that one or both will reach out to external sources for emotional support and may even get attached to these individuals to the detriment of the long-term relationship.

Another common reason is a midlife crisis. Many middle-aged couples at a point in their life begin reflecting — they assess their life and what they have accomplished as well as what they didn’t. When assessing these things, as well as the many crazy things that some couples want to explore and engage in, this can either bring a couple closer or drive them apart. Unfortunately, the latter often happens because the other partner either does not agree with the new lifestyle their spouse is in pursuit of, or feels like they are being directly or indirectly blamed for the shortfalls.

Other reasons that may drive a wedge so deep into a relationship that it leads to a divorce include a loss of connection; boredom, especially after retirement and the couple spending too much time at home together; a lack of communication and a desire for independence.

What you can do

Do any of these scenarios reflect your current relationship? Do you feel like you may be headed down the same road? Powell says it’s actually not too late to make a turnaround.

The first step is that you will need to carry out some overdue “servicing” of the relationship. Below, Powell shares some tools you can use to carry out the maintenance work.

1. Revisit the reasons you fell in love

“Spend some time looking at the pictures of both of you when you were young and in love, hugging, laughing, smiling and just enjoying each other’s company. Set the mood for rebuilding the intimacy; just sit and talk about the good old days,” Powell advised.

2. Commence or recommence the date nights

“Go to a movie, concert, sporting event, dinner, or go to eat ice cream. Do fun things together that will encourage intimacy and fun times together,” Powell encouraged. He said these events will encourage closeness, reduce the possibility of conversations centred on problems, and are actually a nice way to let your hair down.

3. Go on trips

“Take a drive to the country without the children and the mother-in-law — just the two of you. Talk about the good memories of the past and not about the distresses of the present,” Powell said.

4. Go on a vacation

“Whether it may be home or abroad, spend a weekend at a resort just to reconnect emotionally and re-enact those pleasurable honeymoon moments,” Powell advised.