What counts as cheating?

IN a very broad sense, we all can agree that cheating is the ultimate betrayal of partner — one partner engages in some form of deception of a sexual nature. However, many couples over time have also developed their own definition of what does and does not constitute cheating, in line with their own beliefs and value systems as a means of guiding engagement in their relationships.

To get a better idea of how different people view cheating, All Woman asked couples what really counts as the ultimate deception for them, and what does not necessarily cross the line.

Couple #1 (married)

Michelle, 34: Cheating is anything from entertaining someone on the phone — whether it is on social media or talking on the phone — to getting into bed with a person. For me, once you start talking about sex or getting involved in inappropriate touching, that is a no-no. There is nothing wrong with running jokes or even feeling an attraction towards someone, because we are human, but the moment you decide to act on it then you are betraying your partner.

David, 38: Well, for me anything from emotional to physical is cheating. I always ensure that as a matter of principle, that I never open the window to someone else even if I see it as harmless flirting, all out of respect, because I know that if my wife knows it would hurt her.

Couple #2 (dating)

McWayne, 25: Personally, you begin to cheat the moment you start to have an emotional connection or sexual desire towards someone other than your partner. Then there is the obvious — once there is sexual contact of any sort outside your relationship.

Serene, 25: We share the same belief: once there is anything, even if it’s just the exchange of texts. If my partner or I look outside of the relationship, we know we have broken trust and ignored our pledge of commitment to each other. And let me just say that it is the small acts of cheating that usually lead to huge affairs.

Couple #3 (engaged)

Sashana, 29: A person cheats when he/she shows interest in someone other than his or her partner, including flirting and other non-sexual forms of cheating. It becomes worse when they start to make efforts to, or actually follow up on it.

Dane, 31: If a woman or man entertains anybody else, knowing that there is some intention to have sex or flirt at all, it is cheating, full stop.

Couple #4 (married)

Tishana, 35: As someone who found myself in a very sticky situation some years ago, I can say that once you begin talking about your partner and problems to that guy or girl you like at work, especially when the feeling is mutual, you are headed down a dangerous road, because one thing will lead to another. While we didn’t actually have sex, there was sexual touching, lunch all the time, and I wanted to cook and bake and stuff to impress him. I wanted to always be on my A game with what I wore and all of that. Then my partner started noticing changes in me and that I barely took my head out of my phone, and he knew something was wrong. I knew if my partner saw these messages or knew how I — well we — [my co-worker] and I were behaving, he would consider leaving me. So I had to make the decision to ease my co-worker off and start working on things with hubby. He forgave me though, and we are doing more to make sure that something like this does not hurt us in future.

Cedric, 47: My policy is this: once you have to think about how your partner would feel if they saw you and this person or overheard your conversations, you are in trouble. So even if you aren’t sleeping with the man, but you can only think of him when we are having sex, I think that is crossing the line. So, in short, anything from dry words is cheating for me. If you are going to be monogamous, then just do that and don’t go messing around and exposing your partner to hurt and embarrassment.

Couple #5: (dating)

Jarret, 45: Women think everything is cheating because a man can “mash a works” and it doesn’t mean anything at all. But I always try to reason that I don’t have any emotional connection to the woman. I would be a fool if I would get all connected to a girl and start having feelings. I think it is the feelings that make cheating more than just a little sex. The good thing with my girl is that she understands this on a level and knows that if she hears about me and a girl, it’s just a little sex and nothing more than that.

Kerry, 29: Well, you see because I know how men are, and know that they are dogs, I have to look on cheating in a different way from other women. So my thing is, once a woman cannot show up herself and the man knows that he is just going to [cheat] with no strings attached, then I am alright. But if he’s going to call her “baby” and “honey” and buy her things and continue to string her along like a side chick, then I am going to have a problem.