5 bits of marriage advice from a divorce lawyer

LOCALLY, the divorce rate continues to soar and many modern folk don’t aspire to marriage. But those who will eventually trod that road usually welcome good advice. And who better to give such advice than someone who has witnessed all the reasons in the book why people end their marriages?

Barrister and attorney-at-law Sashakay Fairclough says even she has a hard time believing some of the reasons given for marriage breakdown, even though the only ground for a divorce that can be cited in Jamaica is irretrievable breakdown.

There is no silver bullet to make a marriage last, but Fairclough said there are tips that people would do well with knowing. Below she shares five tips based on her experience practising in both Jamaica and the United Kingdom that people need to note about marriage.

1. Choose a sensible spouse

According to Fairclough, people need to realise that marriage is the beginning and not the end.

“People rarely change and if you are dating and you notice that your partner has a wandering eye or is prone to infidelity, lying, abuse, etc, please do not expect this to change just because you exchanged vows. In fact, if you cannot deal with his negative traits almost every day, you should reconsider your reasons for wanting to marry him,” she said.

“This is why it is crucial to get to know each other before jumping the broom. My grandfather described marriage as a bucket set under a drippy faucet. Every time something happens such as infidelity, anger, abuse, lies, etc, water drips into the bucket. Divorce happens when the bucket is full and this can take longer for some couples than others.”

She added that as a result, you must be aware of what you are getting into from the very beginning and look for someone who is loyal, hard working, loving and considerate. Fairclough also advised couples to consider their in-laws almost as carefully as they consider their spouses.

“I have seen quite a few marriages fall apart as a result of the meddling of family members,” she said.

2. Compromise

“There is no perfect marriage, no perfect wife or husband. Accept this from the very beginning and do not try to change the person. Never stop working on yourself, but cultivate your own interests. You are not joined at the hip and marriage is about supporting each other as a partnership while each person has their own separate activities. Wives should have their own friends and see them as often as they can and husbands should do the same,” she said.

On the matter of compromise, Fairclough said couples should not rush into having babies.

“There is a popular Jamaican saying which rings true, ‘Pickney can’t hold man’. Many believe that children make relationships stronger but that is not true for the most part. Children are an immense responsibility and if the marriage is not stable, they will only serve to deteriorate it further,” she reasoned.

3. Maintain your friendship

The barrister said women must never stop being their men’s girlfriends when they become wives. She added that though things will change after being married for a while, you must always make time for each other.

“You are his best friend so talk and laugh together, dress up for date night, travel and see new places together. I have dealt with many divorces where people report that they just stopped liking each other and everything the other person did became an annoyance. If you want your marriage to last, do not lose the friendship,” she said.

4. Trust

Infidelity is one of the most common reasons why people file for divorce in Jamaica. Fairclough said our ’nuff gal inna bungle’ culture means men are more likely to venture out but some women are guilty of it too.

“I am uncertain if it’s the mystery of another sexual partner, the excitement of an affair or simple lack of self-control, but if you make the decision to get married, you must also make the decision to be faithful. If you develop the habit of sleeping around whilst believing your wife will never find out, your sins will eventually catch up with you. That gorgeous female at work who is always batting her eyelashes at you, or the sexy, shapely one you met at the club is not worth the destruction of your family,” she said.

She added that if by some miracle your wife decides to stay with you after you stray, your marriage will never be the same and she will never trust you again.

“Do not forget your vow to forsake all others or you will be forsaking the matrimonial home and time with your children once the decree absolute is signed,” she said.

5. Communication

“Be patient, talk about your issues and listen to each other. Divorce is inevitable when there is no communication. Everything else falls apart expeditiously following that and you realise that it is unquestionably possible to fall out of love. Never forget that the only thing that makes a relationship work is the desire for both persons to make it work,” Fairclough said.

“Be adventurous in the bedroom and share your fantasies with each other, not persons outside. Sex should not be taboo, neither should anything else. Your partner should be the person you are most open with. Make decisions together, never behind each other’s backs.”

NB:

She said if you are concerned about your assets, there are provisions in Jamaican law for pre and post nuptial agreements so discuss this with your spouse and an attorney. Fairclough, however, pointed out that there are many clients who choose to hide their assets which complicates both the marriage and the divorce process.

Finally, she said the best way to avoid divorce is to not make it an option, rather take it off the table completely and make an effort to work on your issues.

Fairclough said if, unfortunately, your marriage does not work and you have to get a divorce, understand that it is not a competition.

“Try to remain as reasonable as possible because the more unreasonable you are, especially when it comes to property division, the longer the process will take and the more money you will have to spend. I have had division of property matters last in excess of 10 years because of people’s unwillingness to be reasonable. Being vexatious will only impair you in the long run,” she said.