‘Everybody wants to be a walking trophy’

MORE women are embracing and/or are in pursuit of their financial independence than a couple of decades ago, which means that fewer women are dependent or completely dependent on their men to take care of most or all their financial needs. But while women have come a far way, there are still a number of women who have either remained so rooted in the tradition of men taking care of them, or are struggling with some amount of insecurities, so much so that they continue to settle for just about anything a man serves them, including abuse and infidelity, simply because the man takes care of everything financially.

All Woman asked women who have had to force themselves to ‘grin and bear it’ simply because their financial needs were being taken care of by their abusive men to explain the cycle.

Yanique, 29, unemployed:

Depending on a man for money or anything else is not a good feeling. I was just “licky licky” because my friend had a rich man and was giving me one too. I didn’t bother to ask anything because everybody wants to be a walking trophy. You will get the nails and the hair and the nice things when you are under 25, but after that, you get put into retirement and it’s like you have to be a leech on him to get anything. You ever hear the saying, “you haffi a box water out a hog mout”? That is the way I had to behave to get something out from the man because he got fresh meat. He treated me all kinds of way and called me all sorts of names and threatened me until I just had to leave everything. No other man can trick me and so I am going to get a skill. I’m only sorry I didn’t secure more money and put it to good use.

Tashana, 34, cashier:

It’s not like I didn’t want to work; the man just didn’t want me to work. I basically stayed home, washed, cooked, and cleaned, and took care of the kids and his needs. I will not tell any lies on him, he provided the food, but everything else he wanted receipts for, and when I talked about it he asked who worked for the money. I didn’t see my mother have to take that kind of treatment from any man. My hair looked like a fowl nest, I had to use cheap deodorant, and could barely afford my necessities because the man would watch the money. I just thank God I don’t have to do that again. It might just be a little cashier work, but nobody can harass me about what I am buying and ask me for receipts like I am a child.

Aubrey, 37, store manager:

I don’t even know why I am repeating this because I am still ashamed. I was pretty young and left my mother’s house to be with “the love of my life”. After about three years I had our first child. I knew he was a womaniser, but it got worse and he wasn’t hiding things anymore. But the only thing I had going for me was my bomb body. By my second child I remember how this man brought another woman home saying she was his friend, even though I was hearing stories long before. I left the next day but I couldn’t feed my children or myself, and he came for us so I just went back. The cycle just continued. The number of infections I picked up — I just thank God it wasn’t HIV. It made me feel so low that I couldn’t do anything for myself and my children. I was happy the day my dad filed for me. If it wasn’t that, I am sure I would still be with my children’s father being pushed around and being cheated on.

D, 36, university student:

When I look back at my life and how far I have come, I have to be grateful. I remember the days when I couldn’t even buy myself as much as a sanitary napkin; everything I had to ask for. My husband would do everything — go to the market, pay the bills and everything else. With that also came control. This man did some things to me, including going as far as smelling my undergarments and accusing me of cheating. He was helping my mother, too, so he would always threaten me about cutting things off, so I just did everything he wanted. Many days if I got sick I couldn’t call a taxi because I wouldn’t have a dollar in the house. But that is what I got for dropping out of UWI for a man. Now I have to be back there, thanks to my uncle, whom he accuses me of sleeping with, but he (uncle) didn’t want to see me waste my life away. Even now he tries to sabotage me. He is angry that I don’t ask him for money any more and I am prepared to leave before it gets worse because when I start earning it will make him crazy.