3 reasons you keep choosing the wrong men
ASK any happy couple what it took for them to get where they are in their relationship today and they will tell you about the sweat and tears that came before the smiles. Relationships require effort that some people are not willing to give, but sadly there are also others who are putting in the work but with the wrong people. I’ve talked with countless women who are going through this kind of negative relationship pattern.
Karen is a caring, attractive woman who can hold her own financially but she is tired of the pattern of failed relationships in her life. She isn’t looking for a man to complete her (or so she thinks) but she keeps getting it wrong when it comes to the men she chooses. Her relationship history goes something like this: She meets a man she is totally into. He is struggling with some things in his life but in her eyes, he seems just right for her. In everybody else’s eyes he is wrong for her. She ignores the ‘haters’ and proceeds with the relationship.
Things seem to be going great for the first few months until she begins to feel overwhelmed. Something is off. Instead of feeling like a woman in the relationship, she is feeling like a fixer. There are just too many issues with the man and she is buckling under the pressure of having to hold it all together. She hangs on for a while but eventually things crumble and everybody around her says, ‘I told you so.’
Sounds familiar? Karen thought others were just hating on her but there was something they saw that she could not because she was on the kind of emotional high that supports the popular phrase that “love is blind’.
Here are three reasons why women like Karen might be getting it wrong each time.
1. Your giving nature is attracting takers
Which man doesn’t want a nice, caring, generous woman? Most do. However, when you are a giver, you will attract takers. If you are a giver you need someone who watches your back because people will take advantage of your kind nature. People will come into your life simply to take from you because you like to give. What you need to do is use wisdom even in giving of yourself. Take time to discern people and motives. Ask him deep questions to uncover the motive behind his interest in you. If you keep giving to a man who is not pouring back into you, like Karen, you will become frustrated, drained and overwhelmed. Unless you pull back, assess yourself and the kind of men you allow into your life, the cycle of takers will continue and you will not find a healthy relationship.
2. You are attracting broken men
Men do not open up very easily but many are broken and wish they could find someone they can trust to spill their hearts to. If you are a great listener with a heart for helping people and you like to show empathy, it is easy for broken people to gravitate to you. One of the main reasons broken men gravitate towards some women is that they are often also broken without even realising it. Perhaps you have had a failed relationship from which you have not healed, or never had closure. Maybe you have had an unfortunate experience that has caused you to be quite vulnerable. Broken men find it easy to talk to you because you seem to ‘understand’ them. One of the reasons for that connection is that like spirits attract. In the same way that successful people are attracted to other successful people, broken people attract broken people. Hurting people attract hurting people so something in your spirit is a pull for men who are broken. A broken man cannot give you a wholesome relationship. He is not whole emotionally, mentally or spiritually, hence what you desire from him he is not in a position to give you. If you are not mentally strong, a broken man will break you.
3. You keep looking for men who are projects
For a relationship to be successful, both partners must be committed to problem-solving. There is no smooth relationship. Unfortunately some women, particularly successful women, make the mistake of continually finding men who are ‘projects’. These men may require quite a bit of work before they are ready for a relationship. The consequence of that decision is that they may spend more time trying to fix the man than they spend enjoying the relationship.
The sad truth is that successful women are used to getting things done; they are used to winning at things. They have mapped out a strategy for their success which they have tested and proven hence they know how to get things done. When things aren’t working out as planned, they FIX it and keep fixing a problem until it’s resolved to their satisfaction. The mistake that some of these women sometimes make, though, is that many are taking a similar approach to their love lives and it doesn’t work.
A man is not a project you can fix. Do not see the red flags yet still proceed with the relationship because you believe that just like a work-related project, you can fix him. The mistake you are making is that instead of finding a man who is emotionally healthy and relationship ready, you keep finding broken men, then attempting to fix them just as you would another project. Sometimes what he needs is a therapist or a mentor depending on his problem. It is better to let a man fix himself before you get into a relationship with him. If you believe you are a fixer, step back and assess the men who are coming into your life. Begin to choose men who can assume their rightful role in your life — that is to hold you up — rather than men who are looking for a woman to hold them up. It’s time to relax and enjoy a relationship with someone who doesn’t need you to fix them.
Marie Berbick is a communications specialist, motivational speaker, ordained minister and founder of the women’s ministry Sisters United for Prayer, Healing, Empowerment & Restoration (SUPHER). Follow her on Facebook and Instagram @MarieBerbick . E-mail marieberbick@gmail.com .
