Guidelines for introducing a new partner to your child

LOVE after a break-up can be a tricky terrain to traverse on its own, but things become much more complicated when children are involved . And even as your happiness is important, and you may think from the get-go that your new love will be your happily-ever-after, clinical psychologist Dr Pearnel Bell said you must do all that you can to protect your children from the possible firestorm that your new flame might ignite.

“Children are impressionable beings and as such we have to vet carefully who we allow into the personal space of our children. As a parent, it is your responsibility to make sure that your children, as well as the person that you are dating, are adequately prepared to meet each other,” Dr Bell advised.

She said that crucial to preparing your children and partner to meet is knowing how and when to make the introduction. This will not only make the transition much smoother, but will reduce the likelihood of shock and the possibility of an unpleasant reaction.

Unsure of where you stand in your preparation? Dr Bell shared a list of guidelines that will help you to prepare:

Remember, timing is essential

It will take a while, sometimes much longer than you’d imagine, for your children to get used to the idea of a split between you and their father. The children, like you, are going through an emotional period – they are sad about the break-up, and maybe angry at one or both of you for splitting up, and you want to give them some time to adjust to the new arrangement. When they become used to the idea, the conversation about someone new should be easier to start up.

Know the status of your relationship

First you must know what you are. Are you in a committed relationship? Are you exclusive? Does the person want to spend the rest of their life with you? This is perhaps the most important thing to consider. If you think that you may be a temporary person in their life, or if things will not work out between you, then you might not want to rush to introduce them to the children.

Talk to your child

Depending on the child’s age, then they might be aware that you are dating, and may understand the nature of dates and the intention. Regardless though, you want to tell them the person’s name and you can begin by telling them that they are your special friend, so that they can get used to the idea of a new person in the equation.

Talk to your child about going out with your new partner

Don’t push your partner on the kids, they might be little people but they should be given the utmost respect. So talk to them about the partner, ask them if it’s OK for you, the partner and them to have dinner together or to do some other activity such as the zoo or the cinema together. This, preferably, should not be in the personal space (home).

Talk to your partner

It’s just as important to talk to your partner before arranging a meeting as it is to talk to your children. It is important that you tell them about your children, and when you believe that your relationship is stable then you can, if they haven’t already asked, raise the topic. If they don’t seem totally excited, don’t feel offended as they might not be ready. This is a big step for some men especially if they don’t have children themselves. It does not mean that the relationship is doomed; give it some time if the relationship is otherwise healthy.

Following the introduction:

Give your child time to get used to the idea of someone new

For children at any age, trust is a big decision. Don’t expect them to get excited about having someone new around, especially if they share a very close relationship with their dad. What you can do to soften things is to show that the person makes you happy and treats you well.

Don’t plan an overnight right away

Yes, your child met your partner, but that doesn’t mean you should rush anything now. Even if the child seems relaxed around your partner, you shouldn’t plan an overnight just yet. You may want to go on a few more dates with your child and your partner before eventually inviting him into your home. This, of course, is when things get serious. Also consider other things such as rules about him engaging with your child.

Additional recommendations

•Never tell the children that the new partner is their uncle or aunty because of the associated protector image associated.

•Make it clear to your child that your love interest cannot replace them.

•Never introduce your child to someone that you are just dating. Children require consistency, they want to feel safe and protected, and having temporary male figures is more likely to create stress, anxiety, unpredictability, uncertainty, as well as jealousy and anger in your children’s lives.

•Never force your child on someone who doesn’t want to be a part of their life.

•Don’t force your child to call your new beau daddy. Allow children to call your partner by their first or last name.

•Take note of the relationship between the child and the new partner without imposing.

•Engage your partner in conversation on topics such as disciplinary style so that they don’t contradict your established principles.