What she wants, but won’t ask for

IT doesn’t make any sense at all, does it men? She clearly wants something, but instead of telling you what she wants she stares at you for hours with a disappointed look on her face, then gets angry at you when you try to read her mind and fail. What does she want?

As one woman puts it, here’s the logic behind it: “I really want flowers but I don’t want to tell my boyfriend I want flowers, because then if he gets me flowers it’s because I said I wanted them and I want to get them because he wanted to get them for me but dammit, I want flowers!”

But it’s not always as easy as flowers. TB Fuller, marriage and relationship coach and author of A re You Ready to Say I Do?, says there are other things women desire that will not be verbalised for the mere reason that they expect their spouses to know.

Fuller classifies the most common silent requests as either tangibles or intangibles.

“The intangibles are things that have more to do with the man’s values and characteristics, and how he uses those to make us feel special and cared for,” she says. “For example, we want you to lead with vision and wisdom, but run it by us first. We want you to defend us in public, especially in front of the in-laws. We want to feel like you only have eyes for us and we want you gloat to others about how much you love us.”

The tangibles, she says, while some men will interpret to only refer to money, can also be simple gifts or even acts of service that a man uses to show his appreciation.

“Yes we want you to pitch in monetarily, but that is not all. We want a random gift during the year without a reason or occasion,” she points out. “We want you to go down first, we want you to propose to us without us hinting at it. We want you to invest in our dreams. We want you to be handy with things around the house.”

Fuller advises that each woman is different and as such each woman has different needs. Not all these needs will be effectively communicated especially in the initial stages of a relationship so the onus is on the man to pay attention and take his cues from how his woman reacts to different things.

“You should also try to learn your partner’s love language,” she advises. “One woman might want words of affirmation while another will prefer acts of service. A third woman will want to receive gifts or just want physical touch while another will just be OK with you spending quality time. These things will not usually be vocalised because then she may feel as if she is begging for something that, to her, is pretty simple.”

To make things a bit easier for you, gentlemen, we polled a group of Jamaican women to find out what they wish their partners would do but they refuse to ask. Here are the most common responses:

1. Take charge

Nikisha, 30, teacher:

He keeps asking what I want to eat or where I want to go weekend or what I want to do, and usually we don’t end up doing anything or going anywhere because I’m not really sure. I just wish he would plan something on his own and say, ‘Babe, I’m coming to get you’, and just take me out or even plan something for us to do at home.

Samantha, 26, registered nurse:

I wish he would initiate things in the bedroom more often these days and spend more energy on pleasing me. I think he got complacent and either it’s me always trying really hard, or it will be just bang, bang, bang.

2. Buy her flowers

Natesia, 27, PR officer:

I keep hinting at it and telling him every time my co-workers get flowers from their men, but either he is cheap or he just doesn’t care.

Chrystalie, 31, sales representative:

This man passes the stoplight on his way home where they sell fresh roses, and he has never yet thought of bringing one home for me. It looks like I will have to buy him one for him to get it.

3. Go down more often

Sherice, 28, legal secretary:

I don’t like to ask for it but sometimes that’s all I want. He will do it just a little like a teaser, but I want him to spend more time down there and complete the job.

4. Buy little gifts

Keenia, 35, nail technician:

Every time I go shopping, even if I just go to buy groceries, I get him a little something that I know he likes. I don think it would be so hard to do the same for me — like just a little chocolate or a pair of socks or a panty or lipstick that you want to see me in. It doesn’t have to be anything big.

Show me off

Tanya, 26, student:

I wish he would invite me to go with him when he is going out with his friends sometimes. I don’t feel insecure or anything, but I like being around him in public.