Step-parenting teenagers

CLINICAL psychologist Dr Pearnel Bell says if you have found yourself in a home where your stepchild or children don’t seem to care for you at all, or declare their dislike for you, the most basic emotions that you must engage as you transition into this step-parenting role are patience and understanding.

“Step-parenting, regardless of the age of the child, can be difficult, but with teenagers it can be even more difficult. They are at that stage when they can be very rebellious, they may want to be protective of their parent, especially if there was abuse or mistrust in the past relationship(s), or just because they think that you are trying to replace the parent who is absent from the home,” Dr Bell said.

She said that whatever their motivation, their aim may be to sabotage the relationship and it is important that you don’t allow your emotions to get in the way. The right approach always is to be understanding, which means acknowledging that this is new for them and might be difficult to come to terms with.

As it relates to getting the child to warm up to you, Dr Bell shared these suggestions:

Don’t try to replace their parent

You want to be involved and supportive but don’t be too quick to insert yourself unless you are invited. If it is an activity that the child usually does with the parent who is absent, don’t offer to accompany him or her unless the parent is unable to make it. In that event, if the child says no, respect his/her decision. Don’t try to convince the child.

Be civil

Even when the child ignores or purposely tries to hurt you, maintain your composure as difficult as it may be. You don’t want to be dragged into a game of spite and sabotage. You can’t insist on being liked, but you can insist on respect. So be firm, but always civil. You don’t want to have the child thinking that you are a doormat either.

Make sure teens know that you don’t want to replace their parent

Whether it is that their other parent has died or is living somewhere else, the moment you enter their lives you are a threat to the other biological parent — at least in the eyes of the child. This is the last thing you want and you want to make this clear from the get-go. Reassure the child that while you would like to be of assistance and be supportive, your goal is not to replace their other parent. Help them to see it more on the level of having a bonus support system.

Arrange group activities

Sit-down talks are almost never the best way to get to know each other. Instead, plan, and when you do, incorporate the child. So whether you are going to the movies, an adventure park, the beach or for a picnic, this is an opportunity to interact and become more familiar with each other.

Take note of concerns and desires

Everyone wants to feel heard; they are checking if they matter and if you are really listening to them. Pay attention to what is happening in their life. If they are cool with it, attend events like the concerts they are participating in or sports events. It will mean a lot.