Solving the ‘puss in bag’ puzzle

FOR many reasons, many couples choose to wait until marriage to indulge in intimacy. While the delayed gratification may heighten the enjoyment when your partner’s body is signed, sealed and delivered to you on the wedding night, so can the disappointment be multiplied if you find out that you are not compatible.

“Sex and marriage fit together like puzzle pieces,” says relationship coach and author of Are You ready to say I Do? TB Fuller. “Many couples go through the turmoil of having to figure what to do when the sex is ‘whack’ or when it’s absent or non-frequent.”

She pointed out that abstinence until marriage, especially if both partners were abstaining, has several pros for the union. “The advantages include not having to compare past lovers; not having to compete with the expectations of a more experienced partner; the reduced the risk of feeling dissatisfied with a less experienced partner; reduced risk of unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases; and the religious satisfaction of not yielding to fornication.”

She also pointed out, however, that if couples don’t communicate with each other before they meet at the altar, then they might be in for a disappointing shocker.

“The single most predominant disadvantage of abstaining before marriage is you run the risk of, as Jamaicans would call it, ‘buying puss in a bag’,” she explained.

Here are some key things that Fuller said you should know about your partner before getting hitched.

Past trauma

“Any form of sexual abuse or trauma can affect your spouse’s sexual expectations or limitations,” Fuller says. Survivors of rape and other forms of sexual abuse might experience a range of conditions in response to these experiences, including reduced sexual interest, postcoital dysphoria, or a complete aversion to sex. Open communication can help you understand and meet your partner’s sexual needs, and prevent you from triggering painful memories.

Sexual preferences

“It’s important to know beforehand whether your partner has any particular fetishes or dislikes, and assess how these complement your own preferences,” the relationship coach advised. “Knowing these things will allow you to set the right expectations.”

Level of interest in sex

“This is how much sex they would like on a weekly basis,” Fuller said. The expert explained that for varying reasons, individuals have different perceptions of what is the ideal amount of sex to have. Energy levels, career obligations, menstrual cycles, may affect how much sex a person is prepared to have, and those considering marriage should ensure that they are compatible in this regard.

Sexual limitations

“This includes physical limitations like impotence, erectile dysfunction and gynaecological conditions that may in any way negatively affect the sexual experience,” Fuller pointed out. “Specific needs and sexual phobias must also be discussed openly.”

The coach concluded that there is no real way to guarantee sexual compatibility without having engaged in the act of intercourse.

“Therefore, in our efforts to abstain, we must communicate about sexual preferences and experiences in full detail,” she said. “Consider all these beforehand and discuss what you are both willing to commit to before walking down the aisle.”

Tameika Binger Fuller, known to her clients as ‘Coach Tami’, is a certified relationship coach and author. You can contact her at askcoachtami@gmail.com, on Instagram (@tbfull), or sign up for a free coaching session at bit.ly/relacoachform.