Waiting in vain for the ring

YOU don’t need Bob Marley to tell you that no one likes waiting in vain, especially when it comes to affairs of the heart. Yet that’s precisely what many women end up doing after a man proposes — they wait for years and years to get married. Some women get frustrated and leave, some slip comfortably into the common-law wife category, and some eventually pass away with just their maiden names on their funeral programmes. But how long is really too long?

“I’m not staying engaged for more than a year,” Taneisha, a woman in her mid-twenties shared with All Woman. “I don’t see why we should be celebrating engagement anniversaries when we should really be celebrating wedding anniversaries. These men love to promise to marry you when they ‘get rich’ and the riches will never come.”

“I guess it would depend on where we are in life,” her friend, Antoinette, reasoned. “If we don’t have the money to get married right away, then I guess I could wait as long as it takes if we really love each other. Once I can see a real plan and he treats me like a wife, I will stay.”

TB Fuller, relationship and marriage coach and author of Are You Ready to Say I Do? told All Woman that there is no deadline to walk down the aisle after popping the question, and the timeline really depends on the people in the relationship.

She added that other things might even pop up, causing the couple to have to wipe out their wedding funds and further postpone, but this doesn’t necessarily mean it will never happen. “It may take five or six years, but you both know the reason it is being pushed back,” she said.

“But there are other situations that have clear red flags to let you know the relationship is going no further than an engagement,” she was quick to add.

The coach pointed out the following signs which could indicate that you are waiting in vain:

There is no ring and it’s a secret

“Not to say that if he proposes but can’t afford an expensive ring just yet then it’s a sham, but the ring itself is a symbol of the promise to get married to you,” the coach explained. “Many creative men opt to use other things to symbolise this promise, such as a live plant, other types of jewellery, or a less expensive ring until they can afford the ideal one. What’s important is the sincerity of the gesture and what it symbolises.

“A big red flag is a man who gets engaged to you, but insists that you keep the good news from your family and friends until later down the road,” Fuller pointed out.

The proposal was used to save the relationship

“A proposal can sometimes be a big Band-aid for a broken relationship,” Fuller said. “Perhaps you were about to leave him, or he felt somehow pressured to propose to you, or to make up for a major disappointment. Proposals that are used to remedy an existing problem are more likely to end without marriage. It’s important to evaluate whether there is any real intention behind the promise.”

Neither of you are saving towards the ceremony

“A proposal without a plan is dead,” the coach insisted. “If the wedding sounds more like a dream or fantasy than a real event with details and figures attached to it, then it’s probably never going to happen. Until you both sit down and come up with a timeline for the ceremony, and start saving towards it if you need to, then your engagement will never be truly ‘engaged’.”

Your partner doesn’t want to talk about it

“If your partner cuts you off everytime you bring up the topic, and makes it seem as if you are nagging him about it, then it begs the question whether he really wants to marry you,” Fuller said. “If you are waiting for a long time with no plan, no commitment, and not even a conversation, then you just might be waiting in vain.”