Head of the house — What happens when the woman earns more?

A divorce support website places money first on a list of ten marital problems that may cause divorce. Most couples face challenges when paying bills, saving, and planning for their future, but these challenges have the potential to increase when a woman earns more than her husband.

A 2013 Pew Research Center report found that 23 per cent of American wives earned more than their husbands in 2011, contrasted with four per cent in 1960. Without knowing parallel statistics, one can still be reasonably certain that the Jamaican situation is fairly comparable. Illness, unemployment and career options and/or choices are among the reasons that a husband’s income may be less than his wife’s.

We chatted with three couples on this matter. Kurt and Lisann’s family is largely maintained by Lisann’s salary as an engineer while Kurt is completing tertiary studies. In Kurt’s opinion, Lisann is the head of the household, ‘not because of the income difference, but because she is more responsible’. Lisann disagrees.

In the case of Raul and Stacey, Raul was a member of the management team of a business that was negatively affected by economic decline. A decision was taken to close down the business, leaving Raul without a job. Stacey has relatively stable employment and at present her salary has been paying the bills. Since Stacey wins the bread, isn’t she the head?

Consider Greg and Cindy: Cindy holds a very senior position in a leading private sector company while her husband is a social worker. In keeping with their beliefs about the headship of the husband, Cindy simply hands over her formidable paycheque on payday and Greg determines how the money is spent. Is Greg really the head, since Cindy brings home the ‘bacon’?

Historically we tend to associate headship or leadership with power, authority and the ability or ‘means’ to influence others. In Christian marriage, the concept of male headship can be found in the book of Ephesians, chapter 5. The husband’s role is meant to pattern the way Christ relates to the church ( Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her – verse 25), and the wife’s role is meant to pattern the way the church relates to Christ ( As the church is subject to Christ, so let wives also be subject in everything to their husbands – verse 24).

The biblical view of headship then is not one of power, authority, or means but servant leadership. But if the wife earns more, could a couple arguably split the headship, with the wife making all the financial decisions and the husband making other decisions?

Consider that the trend of wives who earn more than their husbands is in part driven by improved female access to education. The Pew Report found that among the group of married women with higher earnings, almost half (49 per cent) had a college degree or higher.

Improved access to education often leads to improved access to employment and better paying jobs. A recent International Labour Organization report ranked Jamaica first in the world for the proportion (59.3 per cent) of women in senior and middle management positions.

The Bible instructs husbands to be the head, not because of ‘financial strength’, but because they are assigned that role by God so that in being the head, the man should demonstrate Christ’s love. In other words, the husband is called to be the one who ‘lays down his life’, the one whose sacrificial love is expressed for the good of his wife.

At least three questions emerge from this. Question 1: Society tends to take its moral cues from Christian values, but do men still have this sacrificial, passionate love for their wives or significant others? Anecdotally, it appears that men are not as sacrificial in their love towards their women and are increasingly looking for a relationship where sacrifice is sort of equally shared between them.

Question 2: Does today’s woman desire that kind of sacrificial love from her husband or significant other? Some do and some do not, usually depending on their world view and other factors.

Question 3: For a breadwinning woman who still desires that type of love, couldn’t the biblical headship dynamic still work, with the woman contributing more than just skill in the kitchen and the bedroom, but also making the larger contribution to the financial strength of the house? Maybe. But money can make things tricky.

Consider that a 2013 paper on gender identity and income by University of Chicago Booth School of Business economists Marianne Bertrand, Emir Kamenica and Jessica Pan found a decisive drop in the number of male-female couples at exactly the point where the woman starts to earn more than half of household income. Fascinating and instructive.

If headship is not based on a husband’s financial (or even physical, intellectual, or emotional) strength, but data shows that when the wife’s financial strength increases, so does the likelihood of divorce, then clearly a lot of us struggle with the concepts of headship and submission. Money can make things tricky.

“I strive to live according to God’s Word; however, I have difficulty submitting to my husband if he leads in a direction which I don’t agree is wise,” Stacey acknowledges. Of course there is the issue of if something is wise on the one hand and then there is plain error on the other. There are biblical examples of wives who had to take actions that were opposed to their husbands’ errors. Abigail, for example (in the first book of Samuel), chose to provide food for King David when her husband had disrespectfully refused. God sided with her. Or is it that she sided with God?

In the end, unity, trust and faithfulness in marriage are easier when couples have similar values and faith positions. Easier also when there isn’t a habit of abuse and infidelity. The trend of women earning more will no doubt maintain or increase, so helping couples to navigate this headship question will continue to be very important. Wives and husbands should therefore have open and transparent conversations around this issue to cultivate understanding, confidence and peace in their relationship.

As for Lisann and Kurt, they expected the difference in income going into their marriage so they were fairly prepared for it. Stacey says she and Raul began their marriage in agreement that they would be ‘one in the Lord’, so although one income has caused tension, it has also caused them to grow stronger in their faith and their bond. Cindy and Greg are happier than ever; they are great friends and lovers. It appears as though money is not even a point of discussion anymore given the strategies they employed in the early years.

The original version of this article was written by Family and Faith Magazine contributor Anna Brown in 2015. It has been revised by Harris for re-publication.