Getting over the ‘almost’ relationship
Everybody knows/almost doesn’t count— Brandy
HAVE you ever been in a relationship, only to realise that you were the only one in it?
You are seeing him three to four times per week for lunch, dinner and sometimes just to catch up. You both enjoy intimate moments, stay at each other’s places, and exchange sweet texts throughout the day. A few months in, you start feeling the love bug and you decide to tell him. His response is non-committal — he is ‘one day-at-a-timeing’ but it feels so good, you continue to love and fancy yourself in a full-fledged relationship.
You start making demands and he breaks it to you mildly, “We are just getting to know each other.” You are heartbroken, angry even. He cannot understand why you are hurting. You cannot talk about your feelings to anyone because you feel embarrassed that you may have been too hasty. He really hasn’t done anything wrong — you are just mourning the loss of an ‘almost’ relationship.
If you have ever dated, you may have had a similar experience. It is like reading a great book and in medias res, it disappears, and you are not able to finish the story. You begin to think of all the possible endings and all you can do is think about it. Some refer to it as the seductive lure of the ‘potential’ or the lingering ‘what if’.
I have been there, and like most things in life, I had to be purposeful about getting over it. Here are a few of the things you can do if you find yourself in a similar situation.
Do not play the blame game
“You do not blame your shadow for the shape of your body, just the same, do not blame others for the shape of your experience.”
— Gillian Duce
Blaming the other party is irrational and really a distraction as we shift the responsibility from ourselves to someone else. Blaming is the easy way out as it takes less energy to blame someone than to examine our own behaviours. Own your part in the situation — what could you have done differently? Remember there were two of you in the game and so it is fifty-fifty. Ask yourself what you could have done differently and what you can improve. Learn from it and move on.
Don’t chase. Let them go
Have you heard the saying — what is for you, is for you? If it is meant to be, it will be so, do not go chasing after someone who is no longer interested. Let them go. Resist the urge to check in on them on social media to see what they are up to. Even blocking them for a while is healthy if it helps you to fight off the temptation of keeping in touch. Chasing someone who is not interested will not change their mind about you or the situation.
Assess what was good (or bad)
Take some time to assess what was great about the engagement. Were you treated with respect and love? Was he/she trustworthy and kind? Were you happy? Did they have respect for your boundaries? Even if the answer to all the questions is a resounding yes, it does not mean that you should force yourself back in when the other party has moved on, but you may now use it as a guide for your future relationships.
Letting go of something that made you feel good is not easy. Do not feel bad about hurting over something that never really started. Celebrate the fact that it almost happened, and you are capable of love.
Coleen Antoinette is a single mother of two girls, and a lover of culture and people. She is an arts marketing specialist and educator. You may share your thoughts or own experiences with her at coleenantoinette@gmail.com.
