Ol’ ball and chain
FOR most of us, being madly in love is perhaps the most important requirement that must be met before we consider marriage. But what if after having made one of the biggest decisions that you will make in your life, you notice that the feelings of bliss that you had felt and thought were true love were not love after all?
These women, who watched the love, or what they thought could have been love, dissipate from their marriage too soon after tying the knot, share how they are managing or managed the realisation, and what they ultimately decided to do.
Monique, 28, financial advisor:
We met at a church function and got married less than a year later — I was 24 at the time. Initially, we seemed good for each other. We seemed to have wanted the same things and we were both doing well in our fields. If it had not been for the church, I don’t think that we would have moved so fast, but we did, and when we started living together it wasn’t what I expected. The sex was just dull, and we started to disagree about a lot of things. Anyway, we grew further apart and even though we wanted a divorce because it was clear we were just forcing things, our church doesn’t believe in divorce. Our pastor is pressuring us to work on things, even encouraging us to have a child to “fix” things. I don’t think that things will work out, but I might have to leave my church to break free from this man who is clinging to the relationship too.
Debra, 36, unemployed:
While working as a police officer in Jamaica four years, ago I met a man and he married me and brought me to the United States. He looks really good, was nice to me, and I did think that I loved him, but the truth is that I don’t — not like I thought. We are struggling, but he loves me and loves how I cook and take care of the home and his daughter. The truth is, I can’t wait to get my citizenship and a better job to move on. I will never be ungrateful to him, and hope we will be able to remain friends, but staying in the marriage will be like staying in a miserable hellhole.
Janice, 40, nurse:
I decided to get married, I think, out of fear that I was going to die old and lonely. I just accepted the proposal without asking myself if it was really what we wanted. Anyway, I think we both tried to make it work, but the man was too passive and would never stand up for me or himself to his family or anyone, and truth be told, I just felt like I was living with my friend. We are not divorced, but we are separated. There is no way to fix things though, and I was honest with him. We will go half and half on the divorce when he finally accepts that there isn’t anything to fight for.
Michelle, 36, certified nursing assistant:
I got married to someone who I thought that I loved, but as the months went by it seemed that I liked that we were similar, liked the same things and so forth, but it wasn’t an “in love” situation. He is a good man, so I stayed; we have two children now and I guess seeing how good a father and husband he is, has made my heart soften for him, but I am still not in love with him. I am staying with him though because he is the best man that I have ever been with.
Latoya, 30, teacher:
Listen, when you are young and into a man, you can easily mistake it for love. I am not ashamed to say it happened to me or that we might have been just a little too hasty with our decision. You know that feeling you should get around your guy? We had that, but it just died very quickly. He felt it, I felt it, and we honestly messed around with other people until we divorced. We were together for a little over two years. Divorcing if there is no love is the best decision. The only reason I wouldn’t say any one of us regretted cheating is because our individual affairs never affected the other person.
