No more tolerating slackness!
“LOVE is actually not blind. Love sees and then consciously and intentionally acts as though it is blind.” Christian author TemitOpe Ibrahim perhaps best explains what happens when we know there are red flags but choose to ignore them — like what happens in relationships we know aren’t good for us, but we stick them out nevertheless, hoping for change.
And rarely, for some people, things do change for the better — but for most it’s stifling until they manage to extricate themselves. And years later, they may wonder why they tolerated the things they did when they were blinded by love.
What is something that you tolerated in a past relationship that you never would tolerate now? We asked, and this is what you said.
Michelle, 32, single:
Gaslighting. He made me feel so small, like I was responsible for everything that went wrong. I even felt like I was to blame when he cheated and got another woman pregnant, and he told me that it was because she cooked better than I did. Can you imagine? He impregnated another woman because she was a great cook, and like a fool I stayed another two years, minding him and his baby, and even attended cooking classes, until my brother knocked some sense into me and helped me move out. Now, I stay far from men.
Mikayla, 24, married:
I thought black men didn’t know how to treat their women like queens and so I accepted the bare minimum, and even thought I’d have to date outside my race to be treated right. There are a lot of things I tolerated — like cheating, the men not apologising, not getting flowers or even an acknowledgement when there were special events — and I thought this was normal. But when I met my husband all that changed. We’ve been married two years and everyday it’s like we’re just meeting all over again. I would never, ever tolerate disrespect or mediocrity again.
Andrew, 43, married:
I thought all women were drama queens, and that manipulative behaviour was par for the course. With my wife, I realise that some women can be mature, and that manipulation and crying for everything and using your beauty and femininity to fool men is childish. I could never get back to that kind of life.
Peter-Ann, 42, divorced:
Sometimes we put up with emotional and financial abuse because we don’t know better, or we don’t know our rights. My ex had the upper hand with our finances and I’d get a stipend each month to manage the household. When he asked for a divorce I realised the precarious position I’d be in — at my big old age and not having any skills or prospects in the job market. I had to basically start from scratch and I’m OK now, but I would never enter another relationship where the man was the financial head of the household. It has to be a partnership.
Denise, 30, dating:
I’d never see cheating as something normal again. Men will make it seem like they can’t be “one-burner” and that it’s in their DNA to cheat, and that will cause you to accept and live with all kinds of slackness that’s just not right. Since I started going to church I realise that good men are out there, who won’t cheat or have multiple partners. Even if I don’t find a life partner in the church, I’d rather be single than be basic ever again.
