Younger hubby wants wife to switch things up
Good day,
I am 35 and I got married two years ago. My husband is 10 years younger. I am a career woman, have always been independent, and he knew that at the onset, as that’s what he said attracted him to me. He was OK initially with going 50-50 on things like household chores, etc and we were happy. In marriage counselling, he expressed similar beliefs. We had a daughter four months ago, and he embraced the role of a dad — changing diapers, doing bath time and taking her to daycare, to the point where everybody was commending us on what a great marriage we had. I had some work engagements recently that took a lot of time and effort, and he stepped in to do most of the housework and childcare with no complaints.
But two weeks ago he said he wanted to talk, and what he said shocked me. He said I was a bad mother and wife, and that the only reason he had to step up so much was because I was doing a poor job. He said we should be more like Nicole and Sasco, and he was going to divorce me if I didn’t start cleaning the house, cooking every day, taking care of our daughter, and satisfy his needs when he demanded it.
I was shocked, as I truly didn’t know where this was coming from, as there was absolutely no indication that he was unhappy. I agreed to make some changes, but it’s killing me. It’s hard to take care of the baby, go to work, pick the baby up, cook dinner and clean house, then be available to him at night and early mornings (he claims by the way that his sex drive has increased and he wants it all the time), while he sits on his phone and plays PUBG.
I don’t know who this new man is, all I know is that I can’t keep up. And everytime I say I’m tired, he says at my age I should be hitting my sexual peak. I do not want to be a housewife, but I also love him, and don’t want to lose my marriage. What should I do?
I commend you for reaching out for assistance. Making a marriage ‘the best it can be’ does take effort and learning. It’s always wise to get advice — Proverbs 11:14 says, “Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety”.
Okay, firstly let me applaud you for:
• Being a good wife — Helping your family through working and being willing to resolve the challenges in your marriage. That’s commendable
• Being a good mother — Seeking to provide for your child and pushing to maintain a stable home. That’s marvellous.
• Being a good employee — Seeking to do your job without making your home fall apart. That’s admirable.
My concerns are:
• Is your husband working at all, and if not, why not?
• The age gap — This situation often requires proper preparation before marriage. There are realities you both would have to prepare for.
• What do you mean by “independent”, especially in the context of marriage?
My advice is:
• Determine what your shared chores and expenses will be. Both of you should commit to particular chores and expenses. If your husband isn’t working then he should pick up more of the weight of the household.
• Requiring sex daily is generally not reasonable. A mature compromise, I suggest, is twice a week. Life gets busy and busy people get tired.
• There has to be a conscious effort to see each other as – and act as – equals especially in light of the age gap. You may need to work with a counsellor, pastor, or a good mature friend towards ‘accountability exercises’.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
