Ex man still treats me like a queen
GOOD DAY,
I’ve been on a pay-cut at work since the start of the pandemic, which left my husband handling many of the household bills. Because of that, he doesn’t give me money for anything other than the bills, and I feel neglected. An ex of mine was visiting Jamaica recently and I met him for lunch, and he commented on how marriage had changed my appearance, and not for the good. He offered to pay for a facial and mani-pedi for me as a treat, just from a friend. I accepted, and never felt better. Fast-forward, he returned home and still sends me money and nice things. My husband sees all these new, expensive things in the house — I’m talking gadgets, etc, for the home and myself, and he says nothing. He just uses the stuff, especially my fancy coffee maker. I’m confused because he has to know that I can’t afford these things, but he doesn’t ask. However, he compliments me on how nice my hair and skin now look, and how good I look now that I’ve started going to the gym. What must I do? Is my husband truly that simple? Should I just leave him for this man, who has said that he likes me a lot, and I should be treated like a queen?
I am glad you have reached out. Congratulations on making the effort, and taking the time, to resolve a difficult situation in your home. Allow me to help you with a text from the Bible: Proverbs 4: 23 “Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life”. It explains that we must be careful about ‘snares of the heart’, because they can impact what we have worked hard to build and what we truly desire. Many appealing situations can be traps, set to destroy our plans and destroy our homes.
My concerns:
• The pay cut: If this means you are now unable to pay any bills, it is time for a new job, or another legitimate source of income.
• Receiving gifts: It is okay to receive gifts from true friends, once there are ‘no strings attached’ and your partner is aware of who’s sending them and why. Yes, gift giving implies affection.
• The inclination toward your ex: Your perception that he may “treat you like a queen” because of what he’s doing now may be unrealistic. What you’re seeing now doesn’t mean this will always be done. Remember, traps are laid with bait desired by the baited.
My advice:
• Consider new income: There’s a quote “necessity is the mother of invention” – The situation you are faced with can possibly force you and your hubby to be creative to come up with new streams of income. There may be new opportunities awaiting you, cottage industry or otherwise.
• Discuss things with your hubby: It is prudent to try to speak with him about how you are feeling. Try to create an environment where you both can have a heart to heart conversation. Ensure that you are ‘strategic’ with the timing, the setting and the words you use. Remember, you want him to truly hear and understand how you feel, that takes planning.
• Cut off the relationship with the ex: This may not be easy — everyone wants to feel admired and appreciated and your ex is making you feel like that now. However, what you have described of your hubby doesn’t sound as though he is truly neglectful and uncaring, even if he may be a bit naïve. Give firing-up your marriage another shot, before throwing in the towel for an uncertain situation.
• Sit with advisors: It may be useful to sit with a financial advisor to help you both navigate your income and expenses, and also a marriage counsellor, to help you with ‘fessing’ up as to where the gifts came from.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
