Before you roll the dice…
I recall a wife being offered a lucrative position in a large firm on a small island. The offer would do much for her experience, for her career, and for her family’s finances. However, she and her husband perceived it would do more damage than good, so they opted not to risk the divide.
Theirs was a young marriage, with two small children. She walked away from the job offer in order to protect her relationship. Could they have made it work though? Could their love and commitment to their vows have kept them disciplined and in love during the dynamic of a long-distance marriage? What would you have done? Would you roll the dice on your family?
Many married couples have had to consider this. Long-distance relationships have become a necessity for some marriages. Usually the pursuit of higher education or an important job opportunity are the reasons for facing the prospect. But what might prudent planning be if there is no choice but for a husband and wife to be apart for an extended period? I certainly have seen marriages that have fallen apart because of the distance and I have also seen marriages that have done well despite distance. However, while it is very much doable, it is very much risky.
The Bible offers information on the issue: “Defraud not one the other, except (it be) with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency” (1 Corinthians 7: 5). The admonition here is to be very careful with the issue of spouses separating from each other. It recommends that the only real reason to attempt such a thing should be for the exercise of prayer and fasting. Why? Because of the jeopardies of — 1) “Defraud not one another”, 2) “That Satan tempt you not…” and 3) “Your incontinency”.
Here is what those points allude to: 1) Defrauding — It speaks to the fact that when a man and woman marry there are things they are entitled to, and needs that should be satisfied of each other. Both become due affection and intimacy from their partner. Separation often leaves those needs unmet. 2) Satan — Let us say that ‘negative elements’ can befall an exposed spouse, whether infidelity or other some other difficult circumstance. And 3) Incontinency — ie the inability to keep disciplined, especially sexually. However, we do find important interjections in the text that can help to direct: 1) “Except with consent” and 2) “For a time”.
Experience immigration attorney Mackeda Bramwell of Koradek Law Professional Corporation, who also happens to be an experienced divorce lawyer, understands and concurs with the imperatives of a ‘mutual consent’ and a specific ‘planned timeline’. She says, agreeing to, and keeping with, a timeline for reuniting, prior to separating, is very important. She added that ensuring support for each other during the separation is also another imperative in order to make it work. Daily mutual support forms an important dynamic between the two. She offers that feeling supported during the time away helps a great deal, and daily exercise of discipline is critical to accomplish this. It forms routines that help to avoid risky situations.
Bramwell added that planning interim visits help to keep love alive and meet physical needs, though it can be expensive. She continued to say of her own experience with a long distance relationship, “We talked for hours on the phone. Hours, like from night to the next morning. It makes it easier when you know you’re gonna get that call. And I knew his entire schedule. He made me know his entire schedule for the day.” She made it clear that from her perspective, though she’s seen the risks posed to couples, a long-distance marriage can work, once the rules are followed.
Rev Christopher Brodber is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail him at chrisbrodber@yahoo.com.
