‘I gotta put me first’
THE ‘I gotta put me first’ TikTok trend has resulted in some hilarious takes on everyday life situations — self-care, in actuality, from moms taking time away from their hollering kids, to wives doing solo dates. The trend isn’t all gimmicks — it challenges people to put their own needs first for once, for their mental health, and normalises both help-seeking behaviours, and self-appreciation.
Coming from the TV show Empire, where Cookie tells Lucious, “The time of ride or die is over. I gotta put me first!”, the statement became popular on social media, where people who have always been someone else’s ride or die, while neglecting their own needs, affirmed the need to sometimes just be a little selfish.
How can moms, wives and women in general take instruction from this trend?
Life coach and actualisation specialist Yolanda Livingston says indeed, women, the backbone of society, sometimes need to put themselves first.
“You’ll realise that when you take this stand, everything gets easier,” she said. “When you decide not to worry about outcomes, about people, and just live your life with your goals in mind, a whole universe of opportunity opens up to you.”
She relates the story of one of her clients, an overwhelmed mother of three, who decided at the start of the year to focus more attention on herself, instead of just her husband and kids.
“The eldest child had gotten involved with drugs and was getting out of control, the middle child is autistic, and the last child had high energy levels that exhausted her,” Livingston said.
“Then her husband said her coddling was the reason the eldest child had rebelled, and also said she was neglecting her wifely duties at home, and I think she just snapped,” she said. “When she came to me I told her to take time for herself, for her needs, her likes. She started by telling them all that she was taking a break, and she had some solo movie dates, went to the spa, took up reading and went back to church, and just basically got back to a place in her life where she was living for herself, and amazingly, all the problems in her household straightened themselves out, and now everyone is more independent, more centred, and less reliant on her as the matriarch who can fulfil all their needs.”
Livingston had these five bits of advice for women who need to put themselves first.
1) Know that it’s not selfish to make yourself a priority. “You’re not a martyr, you’re not Jesus, you shouldn’t be sacrificing yourself to make anyone happy, even your partner and kids,” she said. “Once you make yourself number one, watch how everything else falls into place.
2) When you put others first, you will start resenting them, and yourself. In order to avoid this anger and frustration, and to prevent that feeling of being trapped, know first that you cannot supply everyone else’s needs if you’re running on empty. “Don’t get everyone else’s needs met while neglecting yourself in the process,” she said. “Instead, find the balance, even if you can’t get everyone’s needs met the same day.”
3) Learn to say no — to that invitation from colleagues you don’t really like, to that nosy neighbour who wants to come over and chat, to hosting your in-laws for yet another cookout, and to clean, cook and take care of the house and your family’s needs all by yourself. “Say no, and do something YOU like instead,” Livingston said.
4) “‘If it makes you happy, it can’t be that bad,’ Sheryl Crow says, so don’t let guilty feelings get in the way of you doing something that makes you happy,” Livingston encourages.
5) Finally, you’ll have more energy to fill everyone else’s pot, if yours is already full. “In other words, take care of yourself first, and you’ll have more energy for others,” Livingston said. “Just like how on the airplane you’re told to put on your oxygen mask first in an emergency, nourish your body, mind and soul first, replenish your own energy, fill your tank, then you will have the energy, will, patience and tolerance for everybody else.”
