Wedding night surprise

BELIEVE it or not, there are people in this world who are so sheltered, either deliberately or inadvertently, that when confronted with the realities of life, they can’t handle it. Much of this sheltering happens in faith circles, especially the fundamentalist circles where purity and chastity hinge on non-exposure to worldly things.

And that’s all good and well for those who want to keep true to their beliefs, but what happens when one enters an arrangement like marriage, still sheltered, and is unprepared for what lies ahead?

“I was so young, so naive, and two days after my wedding day I had to call my aunt and cry,” Karina told All Woman. “Everything was just so new, so surprising, so disappointing and so different from what I had been told to expect, and I just couldn’t handle it.”

She said her now ex-husband was someone she knew from childhood, and had attended high school and Sunday school with, and they both served various functions in church.

“He was the drummer, I was the dance teacher — everybody tagged us as the perfect couple, and pastor even gave us his blessing long before we even thought of our engagement,” she said.

She had received counselling from the pastor and her aunt who went into more details about what to expect, but nothing could prepare her from how overwhelmed she felt on her wedding night.

“I looked at him and I didn’t feel anything… I was actually a bit grossed out to be honest, and try as I may, I couldn’t shake the feeling. When I finally could stomach to let him near me the next day, it was just so messy that I couldn’t believe this was what people were going wild about.”

She said things didn’t get better even after a pep talk from her aunt, and she stayed in the marriage “miserable with our sex life”, until the couple parted two years later.

“Wedding night disappointments aren’t rare, especially for couples who have been celibate all their lives,” explained Christian counsellor David Anderson.

“Unfortunately for some people, the experience doesn’t live up to their expectations. Sex can be painful, awkward and embarrassing, and if the issues aren’t addressed, it can be a big source of conflict in a marriage.”

He added: “The truth is, most couples don’t experience honeymoon fireworks. It can sometimes take years to get comfortable with one another, in fact. Sex rarely works like clockwork right off the bat for anyone, and you have to both attempt to figure out what works best.”

Did you have a disappointing wedding night or a disappointing post-marriage experience because you were too sheltered to understand what to expect?

Anika, 37:

This is something my pastor related to us in marriage counselling, so as to warn us about what could potentially happen if we weren’t wise or prepared. He told the story of a parishioner who showed up at her mother’s house crying the day after her wedding, because she was horrified at all the things her husband wanted to do to her. He explained to us that the marriage bed was undefiled, and so we knew that as soon as we got married, we could do all the things Charlie Puth sings about in that Marvin Gaye song.

Heather, 30:

I had read enough and watched enough movies to know what to expect, but to be honest, I had a meltdown because I started wondering what I’d done at the reception dinner, and had a panic attack thinking I’d made a mistake to get married. So nothing happened the wedding night, until about three days later. My husband was very patient, but he transformed into this ‘killa’ because he had to wait so long. He didn’t really know what he was doing though, and I’ve had to teach him a lot because of what I’d read and watched.

Sandrae, 23:

It was quite literally a bloodbath — like a murder scene. A painful and unpleasurable bloodbath. Absolutely nothing was pleasing about it. And it wasn’t good for a looooong while either. I really didn’t expect all that and I don’t think anything could have prepared either of us for that. I cried a little to myself the next day, but he was patient and things got much better after a while.

Nordia, 35:

He didn’t look anything like I’d imagined with his clothes off. He had hair all over and skinny legs and knock knees, and I laughed. None of the men’s bodies I’d seen in movies or imagined was like that. I also wondered about things fitting and all kinds of other things, like even the hotel’s white sheets, but it all worked out. We just basically went slow and got to know each other without rushing, and eventually we were OK.