Once, twice, three times a failure

BEING a good and experienced lover means that you’d have picked up a few tips and tricks along the way, and those men who are versed in this department are usually sung praises by the women who come in contact with them. And then there are those who are so bad, yet believe they are good, that after the encounter you’re left wondering what exactly happened.

We asked women, what is something a man has done in bed that made you want to get up right away and add the experience to your journal of the most classic bedroom failures of all time?

Deane, 25:

He literally blew, like he read too much weird stuff online and actually thought that it meant you were supposed to blow. He flipped me over, took a deep breath and acted like he was blowing up a balloon, and I have not got over it, even though it happened years ago.

Lindsey, 30:

He said he wanted to do some 50 Shades stuff, and I was like, OK cool. He got some rope and proceeded to tie me to the bed, and still I was like cool, this could be fun. Then he got his old funky smelling high school tie for my blindfold, and when I complained about the funk, he said I had insulted his alma mater. Then I asked him to untie me because by then I was no longer in the mood, but try as he might, he couldn’t untie the knots, and couldn’t find scissors to cut them. He said he had been a cadet and had tied them really well, but didn’t remember how to untie them. So I had to lie there while he Googled ways to untie the knots, and the whole thing was sad and awkward as hell.

Rochelle, 22:

In the middle of the action he said next time I should do a full Brazilian wax, as the woman had obviously missed some sections, and lectured me on how he had made an effort to clean himself up and I was too lazy to do the same. He said I had broken his vibes, and I had ruined the moment for him. So literally while this man was over me, he was there lecturing me on hair etiquette like I was some child who had done something wrong.

Heidi, 37:

About a year into us dating he said he was comfortable enough with me to share his fantasy, which was to dress up in some of my lingerie. I’m an equal opportunity lover, so I said hell, why not, and told him to be my guest. He went in my lingerie drawer and chose an outfit for himself, and I couldn’t help but burst out laughing when he came back wearing my Victoria’s Secret. He wasn’t amused though and said I was taking him for a fool, and wasn’t open-minded enough for him to see a future with me.