A very long engagement
Dear Counsellor,
My fiancé proposed five years ago, and since then, there has been no move by him to set a wedding date. He’s just not interested, even after I suggested Registrar General’s Department (RGD). He said we’re not ready for that commitment yet, and we have no money for the big wedding he wants. But the way I see it, we’ll never have that kinda cash, ever. I feel like he’s stalling, and just want to move on, honestly. How long is too long to be engaged?
Let’s put things into perspective, and then I will answer your question. Firstly, bear in mind that you are a privileged lady to have found love. And you’re privileged to have found a love that has progressed to an engagement. The Bible says “Whoso that findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD.” Proverbs 18:22. The prospect of marriage is wonderful. You have an amazing privilege that must be handled prudently.
Yes, there are many ladies now waiting and hoping to find love. And there are many guys also waiting, hoping and praying to find love too. Ensure that you simply celebrate your existing relationship. Having said that however, it is understandable that you’d like to see the relationship progress to the next level. And yes, five years is a long time to wait for the next step to come. Yes, a good partner will want to do right and figure that he’s got all his “ducks lined in a row” before going further. What is awkward about your situation is his concern about not being ready for “that commitment”. He’s already made a commitment, by the proposal. Though you’ve mentioned being willing to go to the RGD to do a civil ceremony, it seems something else is afoot.
My advice to you:
Book a premarital counselling session: If you haven’t done so already, take the time now to ensure you both go to premarital counselling. There may be something that he’s thinking and not saying that needs to be aired in that forum. A good counsellor will help you both work out the timing issues and variances in expectations, etc. The counsellor should help you see eye-to-eye on this and other possible issues. They should help you navigate all questions and concerns.
Talk to your fiancé: Tell your fiancé that you’d now like to see a counsellor (if you haven’t already) to ensure you both are on the same page. Also, tell your fiancé how you’re feeling. Mention that you’re getting uncomfortable with the situation. You can also mention that you do not feel prepared to delay making the next step for much longer.
Regarding your question, “How long is too long to be engaged?” Well, it really is relative. What do I mean? It really depends on the couple, and their circumstance. For instance, what if they have an educational goal, and it runs six years to complete? Or what if they have a financial goal, and are working in different countries until they reach their targets? The important thing is that both parties agree on the timeline and the purpose. It does not work if only one person has the plan, and the other is guessing about the timeline.
However, I’d generally say an engagement of of 24 months is good. And in that time, everything possible should be done to ensure that you are both as ready for the marriage (not the wedding) as possible. I’d also advise you both each get a copy of my book, So You Wanna Be A Wife and So You Wanna Marry Her. Both books are available on Amazon, or you can request copies from me directly via my e-mail chrisbrodber@yahoo.com.
I pray that your excitement does not wane, and that you’ll both be able to experience the coveted happily ever after.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
