A surprise child
DEAR COUNSELLOR,
About 12 years ago I lived in a small island and had a relationship with this lady. It ended when my contract ended, and I returned to Jamaica. We remained friends on Facebook, but I hardly used the app, because social media was never my thing. A few months ago I had a death in my family, and logged into the app to communicate with other family members. It was then that I saw a message from my ex, dated in 2021, alerting me that I was the father of a child, who was asking to meet me. All of this came as a shock, because I didn’t know, nor was I told by anyone. The problem is, I’m happily married and my wife and I have been having issues having a baby. I don’t know how to raise this topic with her, as even though all this happened before her, how do I suddenly introduce the topic to her, that I’m already a dad?
Congratulations, you’re a father! Well, maybe. But you don’t have the liberty of much time to delay telling your wife about what you’ve discovered. You shouldn’t hesitate to raise the topic with her. Both of your lives might significantly change. There’s little chance that things can go back to normal if the child is indeed yours.
Once there’s sex, especially unprotected sex, a child is a possibility. Or a woman can claim that you’re the father. Sexual intercourse should never be treated casually and is safest within a marriage covenant. Yes, this might sound like old-school thinking, but old school is often safest.
My advice:
Talk to your wife: Yes, let her know you MAY be a dad. Engage her full attention, in an appropriate setting, and show her the messages. Ask her what she thinks. Explain, with much sincerity, that this was long ago. Let her know that you are advised to do the things that I suggest below.
Make contact with them: Respond as soon as possible. Let them know you apologise for the late response. Inform them that you are surprised at the revelation. Ask for more information and get the mother’s contact details. Then try to get in touch with them by phone.
Secure a DNA test: Make sure the child is indeed yours. You shouldn’t lead with that when contacting them though. The decent thing is to speak respectfully to the child and the mother. Don’t let them think you’re shirking any responsibility. The scriptures say, “A soft answer turns away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1). So, be kind. Then later ask for proof.
Possibly plan a trip: You may need to return to the island. Or, at the very least, invite them to come to you. Your wife will need to concur. You really do not have the option to not do anything or exclude your wife.
Be positive: Despite the shock, the possibility that you now have a child is potentially a big blessing. This could be a kind of breakthrough for you both. You mentioned that “the problem is I’m happily married”. That’s not a problem at all, that’s another blessing. And this suggests maturity on both your parts — your wife may be able to handle this situation well. If you can get past the noise of any insecurity, pride, fear, or shame, then it can be a very happy time for you all.
Now, whether the child is yours or not, the experience will make a great story one day. I pray that both you and your wife receive the grace to manage this situation well and that your marriage isn’t negatively impacted. Contact me if you need additional help, at www.counsellorscouch.com.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
