The spark is gone
DEAR COUNSELLOR,
My husband and I had an argument that led to us not talking for many weeks, and during that time I started sleeping in the guest bedroom. I began to enjoy the away time and we fell into a kind of routine. He recently came to me and apologised, and though I accepted and we reconciled, I have not moved back to the marital bed. Also, intimacy now is blah, I’m not satisfied, nor am I interested in him. It’s like I fell out of love and fell in love with the ‘single’ life I lived for eight weeks. I feel nothing now when he makes love to me; my mind just wanders. If we weren’t married, I would have left and be living my best life. How can I get back that spark?
You were enjoying the change in your life. It allowed personal space and a break from former old routines. Now you are perturbed by returning to your former routine and engaging with your husband again. Understood. Before I offer my counsel, let me state a few things. It is important to understand phases in life and to prepare to deal with them appropriately. At this point you’ve lived as a married woman and you’ve dealt with the role and requirements of being married; you’ve had to compromise, share spaces, and adjust routines to accommodate your husband. It may have been a challenge.
After the argument you had the opportunity to be alone. You enjoyed going back to feeling like a single woman. However, I can guarantee you that that will change, and you’ll want companionship again. Therefore, you don’t want to do anything that might negatively impact you later on. Yes, you’ve enjoyed a change, but you’re still a married woman. And if the offence that led to the arguments did not warrant a divorce, then surely don’t abandon your vows. Make your marriage work, especially if you accept his apology.
My counsel:
Be patient with each other: Saying, “I’m not interested in him again,” and “I fell out of love,” doesn’t quite cut it — maturity demands resilience. And marriage demands dedication and discipline. Do what is necessary to work on your marriage. It is commendable that you have asked about getting the spark back.
Date him again: As a fire naturally dies without fuel, even so the fire of romance naturally dies without the application of “fuel” — that is, dating, retreats, love notes, gift exchanges, etc. Use pure discipline to be creative and to chase passion again. Make smart plans and choose to invest money in your happiness. Go somewhere nice. Do something nice together. Become like a single woman who’s dating again. You’d certainly have some freedoms with him you might not have had when you were actually single.
Move back into the room: Move back into the marital bed. You’ve stated that you “accepted” his apology, so move back. Moving back is a sign you’re interested in working on things. You can let him know you’re struggling to find your “groove back”. Ask him to be patient. Let him know that you were enjoying the new routines but that you certainly don’t want to jeopardise the relationship. You most probably do need to apologise for “not talking” too. You likely should have been engaging him towards a resolution of issues earlier.
Book a counselling session: You’ll need further help working through whatever caused the argument. With help, you both can facilitate an exciting next phase of your marriage. Yes, life can become monotonous, but there are ways to fuel and reignite that fire. I’d certainly like to assist you both with that. Contact me at www.counsellorscouch.com.
Remember, people would love what you both have. You’ve been blessed with a marriage, so get all the “juice” out of this blessing.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
