Matchmaking 101 for the holidays and beyond

BEING a matchmaker is a service right up my street. I am a romantic at heart, and I love to see love and happiness, especially during the holiday season. Why should everyone not have someone, unless it is that they’d prefer to be alone? However, love and romance are in my view an important “spice of life”, to be enjoyed while we journey through this one life we live. It’s a wonderful opportunity that we are given.

Singles can always give me a call, or listen out for my singles events if they’re in need of assistance finding a partner. But let me share with hopeful singles a few pointers I’ve had the privilege of presenting on air for a few listeners. I spoke to a group attending a recent on-air singles’ summit. My topic: ‘The art of attraction’ and the theme, ‘Being sufficiently appealing to the opposite sex’.

Yes, culture, age, stage and personal preference should generally be considered when discussing the dynamic of being “attractive”. Attraction is generally a subjective matter — context is everything. However, there are some qualities that transcend. There are consistencies among men and women, despite the culture. In my experience I offer what I perceive to be underlying qualities that make women and men attractive to each other.

Now, for men, I say women desire SECURITY. Build everything on that. Women innately desire a sense of stability and security. And a man that projects that he is “safe” and can keep a woman “secure” will draw attention. He can project that in various ways. Projecting this is not just about a flashy car or expensive clothes. Gait, posture, mannerism, even countenance, will all play a part. Certainly, details of attire and grooming will factor heavily too. However, note that the ultimate evaluation will be “how safe are you?” and “how secure will you make me?”.

A woman’s desire for security makes the whole “successful”, or even “tall, dark, and handsome” an appealing thing for them. It’s why short men often find a bit of a challenge. However, noting “projection” can help. It comes from the natural consideration for the safety of a woman’s offspring, and the probable longevity and sustainability of her family. Instinctively, like a lioness or tigress, they want to mate with the alpha type that provides protection for them personally and contributes to a strong bloodline for their offspring. It’s mother nature at work in them.

So whatever you do fellows, if you’re looking to woo the ladies, figure out how to project stability and security. And that’s not by being loud, cantankerous, obnoxious, boastful, aggressive or bullying. Those actually project the opposite message. Those communicate that you have unresolved issues, and low self-esteem. And projecting artificial qualities is not the point. Gaining the right perspective, creating the right attitude and qualities, that is the point.

Step into a room with confidence, well-dressed, well-groomed, with a smile, focused on what you want to achieve from being present in that room. You’ll get the stares and you’ll usually have ease finding people to connect with. Work on your confidence, the dynamics of how and what you communicate, and you’ll become sufficiently appealing in every room you go into. This transcends being attractive simply for romantic reasons too. It will facilitate your gaining influence even as a professional.

For the women desiring to turn heads, here’s the meat of the matter: Men desire women who are SUPPORTIVE. Yes, it may not be easily apparent. However, ladies, to rattle the room, what you project matters too. You will have to project to the men in the room that you’ve entered that you offer a “sense of support”. No, not financial support, but emotional, physical and intellectual support. Yes, these things can be and are projected.

Men are measuring you up to see if you might satisfy their need for a “got my back” partner. You may think it’s about the shape, the dress, the hair, the nails, but ultimately it’s not. It’s what you represent that matters most, especially if you’re thinking about a long-term relationship. Male ego is real, and men always want to be buoyed up by their partner.

Ladies, the foundation of your appeal isn’t just glamour. And note, even sex appeal is an element of “provision of support”. Yes, your gait, your posture, your mannerism, the tone and pitch of your voice, all communicate. Subliminal messages are being received by the men in the room. Mother nature is at work with men too. They’re sizing up for longevity and sustainability of their family too. They’re examining “will she be with me and for me?”.

Men are scanning and assessing for loyalty, love and longevity. They may never even quite realise that this is what’s going on. Be attractive to the men in a room by being well dressed, by being very confident, being warm and engaging. These are a few of the ways you can project the right message. It will always be about what’s being represented.

In my presentation to the concluded summit, I suggested for both men and women wanting to make an impact as they enter a room, that they also consider the three Ds — decisiveness, dapper and dutiful. Figuring these three out can put someone well ahead of the game. The holidays offer several occasions for social activities to test these out. Be cognisant of what you’re projecting and you’ll be holding the gaze of any room.

Rev Christopher Brodber is a counsellor and minister of religion.