Wife wants to relocate, but…
Dear Counsellor,
My wife wants to relocate to Canada but I do not as I have a successful business in Jamaica and a close extended family. Our children are doing well in school and want for nothing, yet she wants to uproot us all in search of some dream she has made up in her head. What can we do? While I would want to save the marriage, relocating to a new culture and frigid country is not in my plans.
So your wife has a desire to migrate, though your family is doing well, even financially. Understood. Well, some people desire to migrate for financial reasons, others for safety, health care and health benefits, for future opportunities for their children, or even to be closer to relatives. Has she given you a clear reason?
Certainly, there must be a reasonable explanation why she would want to uproot the family and make the trek into a new country. If it is that she’s feeling bored and wants to pursue a dream to try her hand at something new, then I don’t think that’s a solid reason for the associated risk and disruption. It could be later on when the children are older.
What is the general condition of the marriage? Is it possible she is struggling emotionally and wants an escape? Also, you’ve mentioned that you have a “successful business”, but what is she engaged in? Is she a part of the business, or is she employed elsewhere? Could it be that she feels that she’s not realising her own potential? Could it be that she really only wants room to be creative and to revive some sense of independence?
My advice:
Do not get frustrated: Remember, when challenges arise they often give us an opportunity to pause, reassess, re-evaluate, and to investigate to see if there are any other ways of doing the things we do. So don’t despair. Something creative and meaningful may come out of this “challenge” yet.
Talk with your wife: I suggest that you take her for a romantic dinner. Then have a discussion with her with the intention of hearing why she’s dissatisfied with her life in Jamaica. Do so respectfully and objectively. Hear her out with an open mind. See if there is a compromise to be found. If you think it’s prudent she could go to Canada for a few weeks, just to investigate; after which she could report back to the family what she has found out. A compromise might also be found in simply helping her to start something for herself right there in Jamaica, depending on her reasons for wanting to relocate.
Call a family meeting: If your children are old enough, call a family meeting to discuss the ideas your wife has. Remember, she is your partner, and must have a legitimate say in what the family’s objectives should be. Allow the children to weigh-in on the matter. They should also be given the opportunity to voice their desire. Make sure the family meeting is objective and respectful too. The meeting should just be between your wife, the children, and yourself.
Schedule a counselling session: It seems that you may be well supported with a “close extended family”, and you’re well engaged with your business. But there is obviously something happening that’s causing your wife to be dissatisfied. A scheduled session could provide an opportunity to ferret out why there’s a divergence of desires between you both. You can schedule a session via www.counsellorscouch.com. Note, the material I provide isn’t all free of cost.
I pray that you’ll both find a good compromise and salvage your relationship. You are both privileged in so many ways: A marriage, children, family support, and successful business. You’ve obviously both been doing something right. There’s so much to be grateful for, even while there’s much to yet discover.
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Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
