The ‘unique love’ of the older woman-younger man couple
THERE is an important difference in preparing for marriage between an older woman and her partner compared to other relationship situations. While I highly recommend premarital counselling for every couple getting married, it is especially imperative for notable age-gap relationships. Significant age differences between partners create unique dynamics, making it a “unique love” scenario that requires special attention.
Last week I presented five points focusing on relationships between an older woman and her younger partner. Below are five others. I define an “older woman” as one who is one to 15 years older than her partner, which is the most common age gap I have observed. My perspective is informed by over 30 years of ministerial service to individuals, couples, and families.
Some of the pointers I share are generally relevant for all relationships, as there are universal truths about relationship dynamics. However, when it comes to loving an older woman, additional emphasis is often required. While cases vary, I am confident that the pointers I share are most relevant and consistent in the “unique love” age-gap scenario.
So if you are a younger man with an older fiancée or wife, pay attention. If you are an older fiancée or wife, you can take note too. Perhaps slip this information to your partner (without comment).
Let’s call this age-gap dynamic a “unique love” relationship, as it requires special attention to ensure bliss. Here are my other pointers for younger men on how to love an older woman:
Have goals: Women want to see their men in pursuit of something, which may stem from the dynamic where men were hunters and warriors providing for and protecting the “village”. This principle is especially true for the unique love scenario.
Advice: Have a plan and goals that you are pursuing. Do not easily shift from them. She will respect your focus and want to support you in your “hunt”.
Don’t be too familiar with in-laws: All eyes will be on you to see if you are up to the task. Your partner’s family will be alert to ensure she is in safe hands. If you are too carefree and casual, they may deem you unfocused and immature.
Advice: Her family matters to her as they are her “safety net”. Display your focus even in casual settings. They often have a strong influence on her, so be alert to that.
Respect her professional space: Chances are she will be further along in her professional pursuits than you. She will likely be quite invested educationally and financially in her career.
Advice: Demonstrate that you support her professional goals and respect her efforts. Honour her work while you pursue and focus on your goals and development too.
Respect her colleagues and develop your own circle: She will have professional colleagues and associates that matter to her. An amicable relationship with them is important.
Advice: Respect her relationships with her colleagues and do not be intimidated by her interactions with them. Develop your own network and create healthy relationships with her colleagues too.
Communicate clearly what you want: Your partner will want you to be bold enough to express what you want while respecting her choices. She needs you to state clearly if something bothers you or if you disapprove of something.
Advice: Do not be timid. She needs to see your strength as you confidently state your position on a matter. Couch your words with love, but be clear and frank.
If you can observe these points as a younger man married to or marrying a woman one to 15 years your senior, you’ll cultivate a blissful relationship. Have a great adventure with your unique love.
Rev Christopher Brodber is a counsellor and minister of religion.
