Mom regrets giving up career for kids
Counsellor,
A few years ago, I made the difficult decision to leave my career to become a full-time mother. At the time, my partner and I felt like the right choice for our family. I wanted to be there for my children during their formative years, to witness their milestones, and to give them the love and attention they deserved. But now, I’m grappling with an overwhelming sense of loss. I had a career I was passionate about and worked hard to build. It wasn’t just a job to me—it was part of my identity, a source of pride and fulfilment. I miss the challenges, the intellectual stimulation, and the sense of accomplishment that came with my work. While I love my children more than anything, I can’t help but feel that I’ve lost a piece of myself by stepping away from my career.
The guilt I feel is immense. I worry that admitting these feelings somehow makes me a bad mother, or that I’m being ungrateful for the privilege of being able to stay home with my children. I know many mothers would give anything to have the opportunity I’ve had. But I also can’t ignore the emptiness I feel without my career and the fear that it might be too late to go back. I find myself wondering if I made the right choice, and if it’s possible to find a balance between being the mother I want to be and reclaiming the career I sacrificed. How do I come to terms with these feelings of regret and find a way to move forward? Is it selfish to want both? I’m lost and could really use some guidance on how to navigate these complex emotions.
It’s understandable that you feel this way, especially if you’ve put hard work into being qualified and gaining professional experience. However, peace may come from accepting that you both made the BEST decision you could at the time. You’ve said the guilt you feel “is immense”, but I think, there could be greater guilt if you ever felt that you failed as a parent while succeeding in your profession.
Watching your children blossom into independent, decent, successful adults is God’s blessing. And it’s really family that should facilitate your sense of identity and the source of pride. When you choose to have a family, it’s your “personal team”, and that brings more meaningful success and pleasure than your “professional team”. And at the end-of-life people don’t tend to reflect on their professions, nor the work still to be done on their desks. They reflect and find fulfilment from personal events and close relationships. I doubt “last thoughts” are about business deals or university degrees.
My advice:
Abandon guilt and regret: Don’t feel guilty or regret making a choice for family life. Regret will only sap your energy and creativity. Be grateful for where you are, what you have, and what you’ve already done. You’ve not lost, you’ve gained precious time and moments with your children. And those are lives you’d not want to lose.
Realise real value: In Proverbs 31:28-29 it says, “Her children rise up and call her blessed; Her husband also, and he praises her: Many daughters have done well, But you excel them all.” It’s the passage of the virtuous woman. She does well by her family. To note though, it also says she’s quite a competent professional too. So, it’s NOT selfish of you to want success in both areas of your life. It’s actually smart!
Realise your opportunity: You should think about how to kickstart your work when the children are grown. Discuss it with your husband and plan to schedule any kind of restart. #LifeIsOpportunity
Your children are an invaluable part of your legacy. So, celebrate the fact that they’ll carry on your values and the family line. No job offers such benefits.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
