Mama’s boy can’t cut the cord
Counsellor,
I am in my early 30s and worried about my future and my relationship with my mother. My mom, who raised me a
s a single mom, has been coddling me in a way that’s making it hard for me to grow up, become independent, and have relationships. She has always been incredibly supportive and loving, but I feel like she’s holding on too tightly. She does everything for me—cooks, cleans, even makes doctors’ appointments and manages my finances. I know she means well, but it’s starting to feel like I’m unprepared for life. I’m not learning the skills I need to be self-sufficient.
I want to take control of my own life, but every time I try to step up, she takes over. This has turned off several women, and I can’t keep a girlfriend. I don’t want to hurt her feelings or make her feel like I’m ungrateful. She sacrificed so much to give me a good life, and I love her dearly. But I also know that I need to learn to stand on my own two feet. How can I ask for more space to grow, without making her feel like I’m rejecting her?
It certainly sounds like your mother is stifling your growth and development. Some parents don’t know how and when to let go. Their “holding on too tightly” often comes from their own fears. They fear that you will experience something as painful as they did. Some are afraid of eventually being alone, so they sadly use the “care” as a cover to keep you dependent.
There’s a line in the movie
Finding Nemo where Dory says to Nemo’s dad, “Well, you can’t never let anything happen to him. Then, nothing would ever happen to him”. It’s a good lesson on parenting. If parents over-shelter their children then their children never become resilient adults. Parents must understand the actual harm they can do to their children by overly sheltering and pampering them.
Meaning well doesn’t mean doing well. It is quite understandable that the women you date would be turned off. They’d be concerned about your independence, experience, confidence and competence. They’d also be afraid to have to deal with your mother daily and the tussle with every decision you’re trying to make.
My advice:
Take your mom to dinner: Speak to her about changes you’re making. Assure her of your love and appreciation. Then set boundaries that she must observe —such as not cooking for you regularly, not cleaning up after you, not knowing your every move, not making decisions for you, and certainly not handling all your finances. You can’t fear that she’ll feel rejected. She has to be mature and come to terms with it.
Be bold, but respectful: A big part of your “freedom” will come from being bold, and setting goals that you’ll stick to. Save yourself! You know your mom is coddling you, that means you’re aware enough to break free. You have to make the decision to tell her to STOP. And then you’ll have to STOP receiving her pampering. That’s if you do want to become a more mature adult and have a healthy romantic relationship with a mature, independent woman. It’s all easy once you’re bold.
Get help if needed: Consider getting counselling. You may want some support and further advice as you navigate becoming more and more independent. You can choose to speak with a mature friend, or book sessions with a counsellor.
Counsellorscouch.com is done online and is quite convenient.
Your mom must become busy with new routines and also develop other relationships. I pray that she does.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
