Wife not sure who’s the daddy
Counsellor,
I recently discovered I am pregnant, but due to an infidelity, I am uncertain who the father of my child is. This realisation has been devastating, and I am struggling with overwhelming guilt and fear. I deeply love my husband and never imagined I would find myself in this position. The affair was a mistake that I regret, and I am committed to repairing the damage I’ve done to our marriage. However, I am terrified about the future, and I know that finding a way forward will not be easy. I feel completely lost about how or when to tell my husband, and I’m paralysed by the thought of hurting him. My immediate concerns are how to approach this situation, and I’m also unsure about the logistics of determining paternity and how to best address this while keeping my husband’s well-being in mind. I want to make things right, but I don’t know where to begin.
You’ve cheated on your husband and are pregnant, and you want to know how to make things right — understood. Infidelity is indeed a big deal, despite many people making light of it. I get it, you are remorseful and want to salvage things, but it may not be easy. It must be understood that infidelity doesn’t only cause emotional pain, it actually puts your spouse’s health at risk too.
And yes, you’ve put your own health at risk too. You are now pregnant, so it means you have been having unprotected sex. Do you know the health status of the other people you’ve slept with? Do you know your present status? You should get tested for STDs.
You’ve said that you deeply love your husband, but that will be challenged. You don’t know who’s the father, so it means there’s at least two candidates, excluding your husband. Your husband will have to weigh many things. Questions will arise: Do you “love” any of these men? Are you only “remorseful” because you became pregnant? How long have you been cheating for? When did the cheating start? Where did you go and when did you go? Who are these men, and how did you meet them? How can you guarantee you won’t cheat again?
My advice:
Get a grip: So, you’ve made a serious blunder, take responsibility. Show strength and courage. You did the crime, do the time. You enjoyed the “pleasure”, be resolved to endure the displeasure. Be #accountable, #humble, and #responsible.
Cut-off the affairs: If you haven’t already, put distance between yourself and these men. Take the time to sort out your life. Give yourself space to navigate the coming realities. If your husband is inclined to salvage things, he’ll want to know you’ve cut things off.
Prepare for the worst: Very few relationships can survive this situation. Though #confession is a start, I’m not sure you can “make things right” – trust is essential for a stable relationship to exist. Make contingency plans for if your marriage fails. If you think things are insurmountable for your husband, then consider starting the divorce proceedings.
Determine who’s the father: Do the work to find out. Talk to a medical professional about your options. Considering who the most likely candidate is based on the timing and how far along you are may not be reliable. I suggest you try to find out before telling your husband, especially if it can’t be his child.
Speak to your husband: Sit with him and confess. It may be wise to have support around when you do. He’ll need emotional support, and you may too. If you have a couple female friends, or relatives, consider asking them to be present. If you’re starting divorce proceedings, still own up, and let him know you understand that this would be what he’d want.
I pray you both find peace. And that’s not absolutely impossible. Contact
counsellorscouch.com if you need further assistance.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
