He’ll be spending Christmas with his wife…
Counsellor, I am seeking your support regarding a personal situation that has been weighing heavily on me, especially in the holiday season.
My partner, and father of my two children, has made plans to spend the holidays with his other family (wife and kids), and I am finding it difficult to cope with the emotions this is bringing up. While I understand the importance of his commitments, it has left me feeling hurt, alone, and unsure of how to navigate my emotions during what is typically a joyful time of year.
I know that I am wrong in this situation, but when we got together he assured me that his marriage was on the rocks, and that he would be divorcing soon. But instead, he had two children with me, and two more with his wife. She doesn’t know about us, and I assumed that we would get at least a part of the holidays with him, but his family is leaving Jamaica until after the new year.
I’m struggling to process feelings of sadness, jealousy, and even self-doubt. I find myself questioning where I stand in his life and whether my needs are being acknowledged.
I’m trying not to let these feelings impact our children or overshadow the season.
Any advice or tools you can provide would mean a lot to me.
Understood. You’re hurting. Your partner is spending time with his wife and children, and you need help processing this. So let’s start at the beginning. I think you may have perceived that this situation was a possibility. In your heart of hearts, you must have had an inclination that this could happen. He was married, and therefore still formally in a relationship with someone else. So there was always a risk. Correct?!
You plowed along with him in hope that he’d be solely yours, and that something beautiful would come of it. All you had was a hope, based on words he offered. But it’s probable that the reality of the risk was always staring you in the face. You mentioned that his wife doesn’t know about you and your children, therefore you must have perceived something else was happening, if you were being kept a secret.
So how do you deal with this?
First: Know that you’ve had some of what you’d wanted — time and attention from someone you liked. You wanted time and affection… Okay, you got it! Now you have two children. Celebrate them! Enjoy the reality of you having what some pay millions of dollars in medical fees to try to achieve — you have children. Please make Christmas merry with them! They must matter most to you now.
I guarantee that life gets better the more you get better at appreciating what you already have. Develop the skill of appreciating what you have. #CountYourBlessings. Yes, pray, plan, and pursue additional blessings, but we don’t truly deserve them if we don’t truly appreciate what we’ve already got. So, I promise you that you’ll feel much better if you put attention into celebrating what you already have in your life, including your children. Yes! Really celebrate your kids, your family, your friends, and watch what happens.
Second: Show some kindness to his wife and their children. What if you were the wife and someone was attempting to affect your family time? “Do to others as you would like them to do to you” (Luke 6:31). That’s called the Golden Rule and it’s a great tool. And, in essence, don’t cause hurt, hoping for happiness.
Third: Be more practical and prudent. Protect your heart and mind. It makes sense to pursue a more realistic relationship going forward. Only do what’s “romantically safe” from now on. Only be available to someone who’s truly available to you; who’s available to truly be present.
I pray you and your children have a very Merry Christmas time.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
