Wife continues to cheat and cheat
Counsellor,
I never thought I’d be writing to someone like you, but here I am, desperate and out of answers. My wife and I have been married for 10 years, and I love her deeply. We’ve built a life together that I always thought was solid, but over the last year, I’ve discovered that she’s been unfaithful—more than once.
She’s admitted to it, and each time she swears it will never happen again. I’ve tried to forgive her because I want to save our marriage, but it keeps happening. I’ve asked her why, and her answers vary: sometimes she says she feels neglected, other times she blames herself and promises to change.
I’ve gone to therapy on my own to try to figure out what I can do better. I’ve suggested couples’ counselling, but she’s resistant and insists she’ll “handle things” on her own. Yet, the cycle repeats.
I’m at a crossroads. I don’t want to lose her, but I also don’t know how to keep putting myself through this pain. How can I convince her to stop cheating and work with me to repair our marriage?
Your wife has been unfaithful. Understood. Infidelity is quite unfortunate, and it devastates individuals and families. It’s not a light thing, as some people think. You’ve mentioned that you “don’t want to lose her”, but if your marriage fails, bro, it isn’t your mammoth loss, it’s hers. If you’ve loved her deeply, been faithful and loyal, maybe it is that she really doesn’t deserve you. Remember, love yourself too.
She’s at risk of sexually transmitted diseases, etc. And, it’s been said, if someone cheats, they’ll typically continue to cheat. I’m not suggesting that your marriage is irreparable, but it will require some hard measures in order to fix it. And no, YOU can’t “convince HER to stop cheating”. She’s an adult, doing as she pleases. She has to choose YOU. She has to care enough for you so as not to hurt you, or to put your health and home at risk.
Sometimes it’s the allure of the “secret and forbidden” that pulls people into infidelity. They don’t realise the deadly trap that it is. The Bible says (Proverbs 9:17 KJV) “stolen waters are sweet, and bread eaten in secret is pleasant”. But the following verse explains the fallout of partaking in “stolen waters”. And it isn’t good!
My advice:
Don’t be insecure: Understand that you are the “high value” person in the situation. If you’ve been loving and loyal, then celebrate your discipline and integrity. Don’t inwardly punish yourself for doing well. Realise your worth! And realise if she doesn’t lift her standard now, she doesn’t deserve you. It’s #byeFelicia.
Give her an ultimatum: Be bold! You should now have full access to her cellphone and know her whereabouts at all times. As I say, “you’ve done the crime, then do the time.” It’s about #accountability. If she’s not willing to submit to accountability, then there’s no way the relationship works. And yes, counselling should be a part of your ultimatum. But the counselling will have to help with accountability, while assessing any validity of the “neglect” mentioned. You can only hope and pray that she sees the benefit and necessity in corrective actions and indeed works with you to save the marriage.
Have an exit strategy: Start to consider what your options will be if things fail. Think about what actions you will take. You have been patient and forgiving, which is also commendable. However, it’s okay to say “NO!” “THAT’S IT!” It is okay to protect yourself from the pain and the risks that come with infidelity. Though the Bible commands the virtues of long-suffering, patience, and forgiveness, it does also qualify a case for separation and divorce. Sadly, your case fits that bill.
May the Lord grant you both healing, strength, wisdom and peace. I am available for further assistance.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
