Lover pulled a disappearing act
Counsellor, I was dating a man for three years, and he was the best person I have ever been with. I have a son who he was very involved with, and we planned to have a baby together, but I miscarried. About four months ago he disappeared — dropped off the face of the earth. I searched hospitals, funeral homes, Google, social media, but there was no trace of him. Recently I got a call from a foreign number and it was him, and he apologised and said he had migrated and wasn’t coming back. I found out that he got married, and hid all this from me. He asked me to be patient and wait until he sorts himself out, and I am contemplating it. This man was the love of my life. What’s your take?
You fell in love with a man who you dated for three years. He was there for you and your son, and then vanished for four months. Now he’s back and wanting to restore something, even though he’s married. Okay… I hope the way I’ve laid it out helps you see that the situation is quite red flag-ish. It seems quite apparent to me that you’d want to move on. The fact that he vanished like that, it really can’t give you much confidence in him.
What comfort could you find from contemplating a possible future with him? I doubt you could have any real peace of mind in any kind of arrangement. He’s now married, so what could he be offering, suggesting or requesting? I think turning the page on the relationship is prudent. Consider these issues:
1) He apparently didn’t trust you enough to fill you in on his plans. If he never mentioned it to you before, you’ll be wondering if he’ll vanish like that again. If in your reflections you indeed don’t recall any discussion or anything he’d said about his plan, then truly trusting him may be quite difficult.
2) He apparently didn’t love you enough to consider how you’d feel. He didn’t consider the emotional turmoil he’d subject you and your son to by his sudden disappearance. That seems quite cruel. If after being together for three years he could be comfortable doing that, and also, making such a huge decision without you, it seems he really is not the right one for you.
3) He apparently didn’t and still doesn’t respect you sufficiently. What is he proposing to you now, while being away, with no plans to return? He is now married and living in another country. He’s literally not there physically nor emotionally to support or build with you.
While I fully hope you can forgive him, I do hope you are guided by his behaviour. Your mental and spiritual health requires that you forgive him. However, you mental and spiritual health also necessitate you respecting yourself enough to set boundaries on what treatment you will accept. His disrespect for your son and yourself really is disqualifying.
The best you could hope to enjoy with him is a platonic relationship. However, make sure to make space for your healing, and also for new romantic opportunities. Wish him well but consider bidding him adieu! You’ll need to find emotional support from family and friends. Do activities that will help you heal: Travel, study, keep physically fit, find a church family, work on a social project, etc.
Your son is your priority. Do your best to help him not to be bitter. As best as you can, help him to forgive. Help him to accept that your friend is far away building something for himself. I don’t think you have to block them from communicating, but certainly guard the contact well. I think both your son and yourself could benefit from counselling. There may be deep inner work ahead for you, in order to wholly trust someone again. I pray for your healing and strength.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
