Wife shocks husband with lascivious requests
Counsellor,
My wife and I have been married for 10 years, and everything was going well, until recently. We have a good marriage, healthy children, a balanced social life, and a healthy sex life. Recently, out of the blue, she has started demanding more, and not just more often, but some shocking things that she wants me to do and try, that frankly, I can only describe as demonistic. I don’t know where she’s getting all this from, but I’m at my wits’ end. I have, in food faith, been open sometimes and tried some of what she wants, but it’s like she cannot be satisfied. Now I feel like I’m losing my values, in trying to please her. How can we possibly fix this?
Your wife of 10 years has upped the ante regarding her sexual demands. She’s desiring sex more frequently and more “freakishly”. Understood. Well, truth be told, someone reading your letter may be saying, “what a lucky lad”. Because some marriages are struggling due to the reverse. There are husbands that are begging for increased frequency and adventure in the bedroom. But you are right to question and consider why things have changed. There are several possible reasons, and it could be as simple as going through a phase and as complex as being influenced by others.
What you know for certain is that her appetite has changed and she’s not content anymore. Understanding what’s happening and how you both can feel sexually satisfied is important. The
Bible says, “The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another…” (1 Corinthians 7:3-5a) Mutual sexual satisfaction in marriage is quite important.
My advice:
Don’t be too quick to judge her: You mentioned “demonistic” and “shocking things”, but make sure you’re not making her feel condemned. She should feel as though you care, and that you are actively trying to assist her, to make sure she’s happy and healthy. It’s good that she is so confident with you.
Do some research: Consider finding literature and reading up on the changes women go through as they age. There should also be useful videos on
YouTube that can help. As women age (40s plus) they often experience a sense of liberation and heightened sex drive. Their sex drive could be downplayed in early years (30s), especially when there are children to care for. See what you can learn.
Talk to your wife: Create a space for a comfortable conversation. Consider a nice romantic outing and ask about her increased appetite. Assure her of your love, and that you certainly want to “bring the fire”, but you’d like to know where this new zeal and the ideas come from. Without condemnation, ask her if it’s porn (unrealistic and unhealthy ideas tend to come from watching porn). Ask her if there’s possibly someone else on her mind… Or more sadly, if anyone else is in the picture. Unfortunately, that’s a possibility too. However, it could simply be that she’s actively pursuing a rarely gained orgasm. So be strategic with your choice of words. And be patient as you work through this.
Do a self-check: Is it also possible that you were sexually conservative before, and now she wants you to break out of the box? It is good that you haven’t totally shunned her. It is also good that she is still looking to you for satisfaction. I’m interested to know why you feel you are “losing your values”. The
Bible says, “The bed” is “undefiled” (Hebrews 13:4 KJV). It gives us the understanding of (balanced) sexual freedom in marriage.
Consider coming in for counselling sessions. I pray that you will have a happy resolution to the situation.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
