He wants more kids, she doesn’t
COUNSELLOR, My wife and I are having a disagreement that’s probably going to end our marriage. Before we got married, I said I wanted five children, while she said she was comfortable with two, and we compromised on three. Now, after our first child, she says the birth was so traumatic, that she’s done having kids. She also went on long-term birth control to ensure that there are no slip ups.
While I love the life we’ve built, and I respect her feelings, I can’t ignore mine either.
Our conversations on this keep hitting a wall, and we both end up feeling unheard or misunderstood. I don’t want this to grow into resentment between us, and I love her deeply, but I need more children to continue my legacy. There’s also a time factor, as she’s already 38 years old.
Well, it’s understandable that you are discombobulated by the situation. Her decision significantly changes the agreement and potentially limits the size of your family. And children are an important part of a legacy. The Bible says, in Psalms 127:4-5, “As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are children of the youth. Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them: they shall not be ashamed…” It’s a man’s pride and joy to have children.
Nevertheless, I’m hoping you both are mature enough to work through the impasse. If you love each other, this situation doesn’t have to end your marriage. You both need to sit down again and come up with another good compromise. Love should mean mutual respect. I say to couples, a marriage is often like a business agreement. Whatever the terms are when you get into it, those are the terms that really should exist for the duration of the marriage. But there’s often a reasonable “but”.
Yes, everyone gets married on the basis of expectations. And those expectations are formed from discussions during courting (and hopefully during premarital counselling). Yes, prior to getting married you agreed to a compromise. You made the deal to have three children. And she’s now changing things; a unilateral decision, contrary to what was agreed. That can break trust. But for this issue you really should allow her some grace. If she has been traumatised by the delivery experience, then her position can be seen as reasonable. Appreciate her fear. And yes, she probably could have better handled communicating her fear and concerns and her change of mind.
While I generally suggest couples be sticklers and #KeepTheDeal, reasonable compromises do have to be made from time to time — life happens and realities change! If she’s worried about her health and afraid, be understanding. You’ll need to show her that you care. You’ve said you respect her feelings. Let that include her feelings of fear too. Remember, having a baby is a big deal and stressful on the body. If you do love her you won’t want to subject her to her fear and dread. Discuss things in detail with her again.
Here’s an example: If you had a good business and your partner says, “I can’t build the three franchises alone, as we had agreed. I am physically unable to execute it,” would you abandon that viable business? You’d probably want to find a prudent alternate way to expand the business. In this modern age you have other options to expand your family. Adoption or even surrogate mothers are an option.
I am confident your marriage offers you many benefits. Having children is just one benefit. Companionship, partnership, advice, support, romance, intimacy, etc, are other probable benefits from marriage. Hopefully you married her for the woman she is and not just for the children that could be. I encourage you to show her grace and abandon signs of bitterness, not your marriage. Contact me if you need further support.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
