A temptress in the house
Counsellor, I’m noticing a situation in my household, and I’m not sure how to handle it. A few months ago I agreed to have a family member from overseas stay in my house, because she was having some challenges. The agreement was for her to help with childcare, in exchange for housing, until she got back on her feet.
We’re a Christian family, and I notice that her choice of clothing around the house is very revealing. While I know I can’t control what another adult wears, I can’t help but feel uneasy, especially when I see my husband also noticing. I trust him, but I’m also human, and this has stirred up a lot of insecurity in me.
I don’t want to be accusatory or controlling but I also don’t want to ignore something that’s clearly affecting me and possibly our dynamic at home. I’d really appreciate some guidance on how to approach this.
No, ma’am! Good marriages have been shattered because of situations like these. As the idiom goes, “the road to Hell is paved with good intentions”. You might mean well, but reverse-back. Be careful. As Christians you must be “…wise as serpents and harmless as doves.” (Matthew 10:16) This is a risky situation you are describing. You both have to protect your home from any subtle intrusion.
It isn’t about trusting him or not. Momentary stupidity is still real. Adam was perfectly created but still ate the forbidden fruit. Deception, seduction and temptation are powerful forces to be opposed and avoided. Deliver yourself and your marriage from the possibility of disaster. Do so with urgency. You’ve said you “can’t control what another adult wears”. Even for momentary visits through your front door, yes you can! You must set standards.
You wouldn’t allow a naked woman to wander through the front door and stroll around. Even so, understand, you absolutely should determine how others appear inside your house. That’s not being “insecure”. You are being perceptive and prudent. “Accusatory and controlling” seem warranted. You’ve said your husband notices too. Therefore, there is an issue.
Job in the
Bible, famous for his patience, declared, “Why then should I think upon a maid?” (Job 31:1.) He was speaking about what he avoided to protect his integrity. If your husband is regularly seeing a “maid” in very revealing clothes he may very well “think upon” that “maid”. And it could end badly, especially if it’s a small home.
My advice:
Speak to your husband: Let him know that you find her dressing to be unacceptable and that you’ll “read the riot act” to her. If she is to stay there a day further she has to conform to the strictest rules regarding dress and conduct. She must know when to retreat from your conversations and space. You should not approach this as a point for debate. Let him know you’re protecting the family, and you need his support. Then set a strict timeline for when the arrangement will end.
Speak to her: She might not have intended to cause an issue, but that’s not the issue. Be clear and indeed, read the riot act to her. She must be properly clothed at all times — no mini dresses, tight shorts, or anything revealing. If the rule is broken once, let her know she’ll have to go. She should also minimise contact with your husband. Let her liaise with you. She should not be in your personal space, such as your bedroom or your bathroom. And she should not “take over” your living room.
Make alternate plans: Figure out alternate childcare plans for when she leaves. Also, ensure she’s not “caring” for your husband with meals, clothes, etc.
She’s already shown she lacks discretion so you have to create boundaries for her. A camera or two may also be prudent, in common spaces. Remember, you are protecting your marriage and your home. Many bad situations have come about because of “good” intentions. I pray wisdom prevails.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
