Catfished wife wants answers
Counsellor,
My husband and I decided not to have relations until marriage, even though we both had prior experience. In his case, he claimed he had several girlfriends since his teen years, and I had two serious relationships before him. But because we’re both saved, we were celibate until we got married. Well woe be unto me, because things started out badly, and have gotten progressively worse. Not only is he a terrible, very sloppy lover, but he is lacking below the belt, and is unwilling to make up for this lack in other areas, if you get my drift. Now I don’t claim to be very experienced, but I know what good loving is supposed to feel like. We’ve been married eight months, and I’m so miserable and feel like I got catfished, because he said he had experience. What do you suggest? Divorce? Bear in mind that I have spoken to him on many occasions, and he won’t budge, talking about the Lord wouldn’t want him to do certain things. I’m so annoyed and frustrated by this simpleton.
Your husband isn’t satisfying you sexually and you’re at your wits’ end. Understood. But name calling isn’t helpful. It won’t ever get you what you want. Yes, your husband needs some “revelation”. But maintain respect, and respectability. That is also important if you’re to achieve a healthy sex life together. Don’t write him off for any “shortcoming” yet. It’s a situation that can be remedied. Be patient.
Your letter and questions allow me to address issues I perceive many are concerned about and contending with.
1) The “puss in a bag” question: Marrying without knowing someone’s sexual ability.
2) Christians and sex: A healthy sex life being important in Christendom.
3) Good pre-marital counselling: Spending the resources to prepare properly.
I will share concise information on these issues and then answer your particular question. 1 Corinthians chapter 7:2-5 advises against defrauding a spouse sexually. Sexual intimacy, good romance, tender care, patient wooing, etc, are the righteous right of a Christian spouse.
The “puss in a bag” question: This fear can be allayed by asking prudent questions during the courtship period. The questions should not be thought of as sinful or carnal. Questions such as, What’s your sexual appetite like? Are you open to cunnilingus / fellatio? My deal-breaker where sex is concerned is… Do you accept that?
A sexually frustrated spouse is risky. I suggest that couples read appropriate books to make themselves fairly competent to fulfil their partners’ needs. Meaningful discussion on the issue is also imperative. So, discussion and questioning are key.
Regarding Christians and sex: God does not intend for a spouse to be sexually frustrated, or sexually unsatisfied. How do we know that? Scriptures like Proverbs 5:15-19, Hebrews 12:4, Songs of Solomon, etc, assures us. Christians who choose to marry must become competent in lovemaking. And Christian spouses must be alert to the sin of omission and commission with regards to sex. Sex helps make “the two one”.
Regarding premarital counselling: Hard questions must be asked by a counsellor to help prepare a couple for a healthy sex life. Prudent questions and comments will help to ensure the couple is a fit sexually. Couples should spend the resources and the time to make sure all should be well sexually after saying “I do”.
For you both I suggest immediate counselling. No! Don’t divorce. You’ve just been married for eight months. Learn together. I’d suppose you both have things to learn. And it can yet be an amazing partnership. I do pray that your husband is teachable and able to understand the importance of mutual satisfaction, and the liberties in Christ. Understanding balance will be important.
I encourage you both to take a deep dive into those scripture references provided. You might be surprised by what you unearth. Feel free to book a counselling session.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
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