Is something wrong with my husband?
COUNSELLOR, Is something wrong with my husband? He works a lot because he owns his own business, and so seven days a week he is busy. As such, he says he’s too tired to be thinking of intimacy, and so months will go by without us being intimate. But I’ve heard that men, especially Jamaican men, can’t go without sex, so I’m wondering if something is wrong with him. When we do get intimate it’s good, but how is it possible for a young, fit man to go months without sex, even though I’m right there? I don’t think he’s cheating, and he doesn’t smoke or drink.
You are wondering about your husband’s well-being because of his lack of demand for sexual intimacy. Well, it is possible that he’s having a challenge with his health, but it’s not probable. It’s probable that there’s a mental or emotional issue. You’ve said that when you do have sex “it’s good”. That suggests that he’s okay physically. But the lack of sexual intimacy suggests that he’s probably having some emotional or psychological challenge he has not mentioned. It is possible he has a lowered libido due to some challenge he’s having. Men under financial pressure can become stressed and depressed. It can change their behaviour. That’s true for all men, Jamaicans included.
I remind couples to be careful to do their “spousal duty”. When you marry it’s with the expectation that you will have intimacy. You marry with the expectation that you’ll have romance, etc. A spouse withholding affection, communication, companionship and sexual activity is cheating their partner. It is exposing them to frustration and possible infidelity. That goes for withholding sex, support, tenderness or romance.
What is the price of marital happiness? Happiness and true fulfilment are found in having the correct state of mind. Working seven days a week is unhealthy. The concept of the sabbath is for health and longevity. Pursuing happiness through financial gain alone will lead to misery. Put in adequate work both at home and at work. Balance is key to proper advancement in life.
I suggest:
Talk to your husband: Tell him you are concerned about his general well-being. Let him know that things aren’t optimal, neither for him nor for the relationship. Assure him of your love and let him know that you would like to spend more romantic and intimate time with him. Try to convince him of the importance of making memories together and enjoying creative activities and adventures.
Be patient with him: Nothing may be “wrong” with him, especially if it’s just that he’s working hard. Working is good. He just needs to recalibrate. Show him some grace, give him more time. It could be he’s having hormonal challenges. Let him know how proud you are of him as a working man. He’s not lazy. He’s ambitious. He’s courageous. He focused. Celebrate that, even as you gently remind him of the other very important things in life. Consider getting him medically checked out. He may simply need to change his diet, or he may need easily available medication.
Be strategic: You can also plan exciting activities to surprise him. Plan relaxing getaways and do your best to entice him to go. Make sure to initiate intimacy. Maybe consider picking him up from work to take him somewhere for an hour or two. Consider strategic wardrobe adjustments too. Re-engage his eyes. Get him to look again. Staring is caring.
Get counselling: It is important to ferret out how he’s feeling. Good sessions with a capable counsellor should create the condition for deep communication. Invest in your marriage. Schedule counselling sessions. Let your husband know that there’s some urgency for deep introspection and conversation.
I pray that whatever is happening to your husband will be resolved, and I pray that happiness and contentment will be restored to you.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com
