Wife wants a divorce but church says no
Counsellor, I want to get a divorce because my husband went outside the marriage and had two children, but our church is against divorce, and even if we got a divorce, I wouldn’t be able to remarry unless he passes. I don’t want to leave this church because it has done a lot for our family, but I also believe that I deserve happiness too. My husband, meantime, is happy with the patriarchy. I’m just 33 years old, and we got married really young. I believe that God would be okay with me starting over, yet this issue is haunting me. What would you suggest? I don’t love him anymore, so ‘working it out’ is not an option. I’m just tolerating him because we’re married and have kids.
Your husband has been serial cheating and has thus fathered two children outside the marriage while being a part of your church. Understood. Has the church held him to account for cheating? How have they intervened for your health’s sake and the sake of your children? If they haven’t intervened, then they don’t easily have grounds to now hold you responsible for action you deem fit. But bear in mind, the rights and wrongs of marriage are morality and justice issues, not just “church” issues.
God is LOVE (1 John 4:8) – that is, compassion, kindness, mercy, care, etc. And God is LIGHT (1 John 1:5) – that is, justice, fairness, equity, goodness, etc. The Christian church is to represent primarily God’s virtues. Now I am not interrogating the doctrines of your denomination or church, but I do want to remind you of what Christian faith and the church, at its core, are all about: justice, love, mercy, integrity, etc. You must determine for yourself how your church fellowship is facilitating these.
Yes, the Bible teaches that God hates divorce (Malachi 2:6), and that’s because God Himself is love, and promotes love. He wants husbands and wives to deal lovingly, fairly, and righteously with each other. And the scriptures further teach that God greatly dislikes deception, oppression, and abuse too. The Lord came down from Heaven just to remove the children of Israel out of Egypt’s oppression. Sometimes God will remove an individual out of oppression happening within a marriage as well. The loving God hates all acts of deception, abuse, and injustice. It is plausible that this is why Jesus Christ qualified “fornication” (sexual transgressions) as what seems the primary occasion for “putting away” (divorce).
Take the time to boldly evaluate what is the best choice for yourself and your children. You should also liaise with a lawyer and your relatives for advice and support. Yes, your health, peace, and happiness are a priority.
My advice:
Speak to your pastor: Ask about the status of your church membership if you choose to leave the marriage. Ask him/her what he/she thinks are the critical boundaries that should not be crossed in a marriage and what are the biblically prescribed consequences, considering that even the Lord spoke of “divorcing Israel” for its “adultery” (Jeremiah 3:8). Let him/her hear and understand your pain. Also give him/her an opportunity to possibly assist you with what will be the next phase of your life. No one can, or should try, to force you to remain in an unhealthy situation. Ensure to mention your gratitude for the help the church has given. Be open to hear their counsel but know that the choice for what happens next is yours. You do have a God-given responsibility to look out for your own health and your children.
Speak to a lawyer: Get advice on what steps you might need to take. Get as much information as you can before making any final decision or taking action.
I pray that the Lord guides you so that the rest of your life may be the best of your life.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
