Hopelessness, then joy after multiple miscarriages

AFTER getting over the initial shock when you learn you are pregnant, you anticipate the day when you will finally get to meet your bundle of joy.

You spend day after day, month after month selecting names, room decor and planning for the day when your child will enter this world, but before 20 weeks of your pregnancy your hopes and dreams are crushed, and meeting that child becomes a mere illusion as your pregnancy ends in a miscarriage.

For Tianna Y, this has been a reality four times, and though she exudes happiness and a strong personality, she told All Woman that going through the ordeal felt no less than debilitating.

“At one point I gave up trying. I couldn’t take it anymore. After the first one I said, OK, maybe this was just my bad luck. Maybe this child was going to give me trouble. Maybe he or she would have had physical or mental problems that I wouldn’t be able to handle. Maybe it was not my time to be a mother,” she said.

But after the second, third and fourth miscarriages, she said she “practically lost it and lost hope.”

“You could not convince me that this was all part of God’s perfect plan. Why? Not once or twice, but four times? I became depressed, and I told my husband to think about adoption because clearly I was a mule. Yes, I called myself that word. He encouraged me nonetheless to exercise faith and think of myself as Job when he lost everything but trusted God. However, I couldn’t do it.”

As a result, Tianna became withdrawn, stopped attending church, stopped socialising, and spent her days going to work, then home and falling asleep crying, as the one thing she had hoped for would never be a reality.

But she said, with the encouragement of her husband, she slowly picked up the pieces, saw a counsellor, and explored other activities to occupy her time and remove her mind from the babies.

“I started swimming more and hanging out at the beach. Not one Saturday or Sunday after church would pass and my husband and I would not go to the beach. I even enrolled in some short courses at Edna Manley to try my hand at art — to simply relax. My mother had taught me to crochet so I took that up again and I read and read and read some more. This helped, my husband was supportive, and I started to be myself again,” she shared.

She said her husband now admits that he’d cry in secret whenever she cried and it pained his heart to see her sad.

“He really held the family together. Those days when I would not go to church and questioned God he would listen to me rant and go to church without me. It was later on that my friends at church said he was always praying about it and that was his solace. Some of his male friends said Saturdays for him was a way to relieve stress through football and running. Now I honestly thank God for him, because other men would have left if they were faced with the situation, but he had what he encouraged me to have — faith.”

And so, when she felt more relaxed and ready to take on the world, she decided to take a suggestion from her gynaecologist and begin fertility treatment overseas. This time they were successful and gave birth to a pair of twins — one boy and one girl.

“This time I think I was rewarded. I had to learn to trust God and bring myself out from that very dark place where I shut myself away. I don’t think I have tears left from how much I cried at my losses and cried when I had the twins. It really taught me two things. Right when we’re about to have our breakthrough we tend to give up, and it taught me never to give up or give in. Our circumstances do not control us,” she said.

Today Tianna is the proud mother of four children — three biological and one adopted. She says for those going through the same ordeal, she knows for a fact that it is not easy, but says it is best to occupy your time with something else to take away the pain.

“Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. The pain will go away. We may all not be willing to speak about it as not everyone will ever eventually have a child, but you can’t beat yourself up and blame yourself. Don’t do it. Smile and be happy. Even if you can’t have your own child, there are many ways you can help other children if you’re really passionate that way. Try other activities. Do something on your bucket list. Complete that project you’ve always wanted to do. I’m not saying you won’t remember and still be hurt, but in trying other things for now, you’re deflecting and taking care of you. Chin up!”