Counsellor,

I have been with my partner for several decades. Our life has been filled with shared memories, mutual support, and deep affection. We have four children together. However, despite the longevity of our relationship, he has consistently refused to consider marriage. Marriage has always been important to me, and it’s something I have longed for in our relationship. Over the years, I have tried to discuss this matter with him, but he remains adamant in his decision not to marry. He says he’s content with our relationship as it is and assures me of his love and commitment, but he does not see marriage as necessary. We’re heading to the prime of our life, and this situation has left me feeling conflicted and uncertain. On one hand, I deeply care for him and appreciate the life we have built together. On the other hand, the absence of marriage has created a sense of incompleteness and sometimes insecurity in our relationship for me. I worry about what this means for our future and whether our differing views on marriage might indicate deeper incompatibilities or unmet needs. What can I do? I want to understand his perspective better and also convey my own without pressuring him or creating conflict.

The truth is, you’ve indicated to him that you are fine with being in a common-law arrangement. If you have been together for “decades” as you’ve said, it means you have accepted the relationship as is. Remaining in the relationship as is, is a form of consent to the arrangement.

You’ve said you’ve experienced “deep affection” in the relationship, therefore it would be hard for him to perceive a reason for your argument of disapproval of the status quo. Now, I certainly share your view that marriage is important, especially as a Christian. I do agree that a couple that loves each other should aspire to formalise their commitment to each other through marriage.

Making a public statement about your commitment to each other and having that legally recognised matters. Marriage offers some level of emotional security and legal protection for both parties. Making a vow to each other in the presence of witnesses provides some “adhesive” to a relationship. And any help toward providing stability and security for a relationship is prudent.

Yes, you both have been together for years, so you’ve enjoyed a level of commitment to each other, but it is quite understandable from an emotional, social and spiritual standpoint that you’d want to get married. The
Bible says, “Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife and every woman have her own husband.” 1 Corinthians 7:2. So, marriage is an important institution.

What you can do?

Talk to him again: I suggest you set up a romantic outing and when you’re there share with him again how you feel. Talking to him is the best way to understand his perspective. It doesn’t have to devolve into conflict if you’re very strategic. Let him know that you’ve given him your youthful years, and you feel justified in making this “request”. Let him know how, when, and where it can be done.

Schedule a counselling session: It’s difficult to think he’s never articulated his challenge with marriage. Some people do have a fear; they think if they get married their relationship will end. A goal for counselling would be to clearly understand his aversion. Another goal would be to clearly understand your reasoning and have you both try to find common ground.

Marriage, though it’s obviously not foolproof, is the best institution to get the needs of each party to a romantic relationship met. I pray you both find synergy.

Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.