Blow, blow, thou winter wind,

Thou art not so unkind

As man’s ingratitude.

– Shakespeare, As You Like It II, 7

Few things are worse than an ungrateful person, and yet the world is so full of them. People will do things for others and not even get a thank you in return. We should all give thanks, even for the seemingly tender mercies and small deeds that others do for us. This includes sex, yes sex, according to some people. I was listening to Dear Pastor while driving last week, and was amused to hear that the topic was ‘Giving Thanks for Sex.’ People phoned in to either agree or disagree and I was fascinated by the responses. But before we give thanks, let’s see some comments on Cheating PS and Female Fantasies.

Tony,

Cheating Post Script indeed. Most men are only remorseful because they’ve been found out, not because of the hurt they’ve caused, so guilt doesn’t really come into it. Cheating men believe they’re a cut above the rest in intelligence and cunning, but their women always know, so they’re not that clever.

Tamara, NY

Teerob,

You say that ‘Things are never the same after.’ But things must deteriorate from before, otherwise cheating wouldn’t even be an option. If men truly did feel guilt, they wouldn’t re-offend, and we all know that’s not the case. Keep up the good work.

Karen

Tony,

Female fantasies, ha. After many years of marriage that’s what kept my spark going. My now ex-husband didn’t have a clue and didn’t need to either. He thought he was the one blowing my mind between the sheets, and I didn’t see any harm in going along with that.

Jasmine, UK

Daddy Oh,

Any good counsellor will tell you that it’s normal to have fantasies. Men just can’t cope with the thought of something they can’t control. Tell your male readers, Teerob, our fantasies are definitely men’s, NOT competition.

Sharon

Teerob,

Why do women keep such secrets? If it wasn’t for you, Teerob, maybe we wouldn’t even know, but women seem to know what we like, and that includes sharing the raunchy stuff. Remember, when you’re pleasing your man, no one else needs to know what’s going on behind closed doors.

Jason

One of the reasons why couples break up is because one or both of them feel that they’re being taken for granted. Often is the cry, “He thought he had me as his own, so he stopped seeing me and just took me for granted.” Men say it too: “She thought that I was so stable, dependable, predictable, boring, and started to take me for granted, so I gave her quite a surprise and left her.”

So we should give thanks, but give thanks for what? Okay, we should give thanks that our partners have the patience to tolerate our folly, and also give thanks that they take the time to share their lives with us. But should we give thanks for the romance and sex that we share with our spouses? It’s okay if your man buys you flowers, chocolate and gifts for your birthday or any special occasion. But is it really socially acceptable to say ‘thank you very much’ after a bout of heavy lovemaking?

Well, I think that if any thank yous are forthcoming, it should be from the women. After all, when you think about it, it’s the man who has to do all the work, starting with the biomechanics that go into getting aroused in the first place. Then he has to perform. He has to get it just right. If he can’t rise to the occasion, then that’s the end of that story, the night is ruined, and not only is he washed with shame, but his anxiety quotient shoots through the roof and may very well affect his performance in future encounters.

If he does achieve the biological miracle, he has to make sure that the timing is perfect, just to please his woman. If he’s a sprinter and finishes before her, she’s left unsatisfied, and though she may not voice it, that feeling, or lack of it, lingers with her. If he’s a marathon man, that’s no good either, as it’s now a matter of diminishing returns. He’s putting out far more effort for relatively little rewards, as she’s stopped enjoying it after the first hour, and is now just wondering when he’s going to finish.

Listen, those real-life rodeo cowboys can’t stay on their bucking broncos for more than eight seconds, and yet they have the ride of their lives with unparalleled exhilaration. Well, okay, eight seconds for humans is really a joke, but men have to remember, it’s not how long you make it, but how you make it long. So you see the effort, stress, timing and anxiety that a man has to go through to truly please his woman?

For all its worth, all she has to do is show up, lie back and enjoy the ride. That’s why throughout history, the phrase ‘good lover’ is only applied to men. “My, that Don Juan is such a great lover, he certainly knows how to please a woman.” Sure, we may hear occasionally that a woman is good in bed, but all she has to do is moan and scream and tremble and that’s enough. The man has to really work at it, or she won’t be pleased. And you don’t want a displeased woman in this field of endeavour.

So many men are truly afraid of what woman think of their lovemaking prowess, and worse yet, what they’ll say to their friends. “Every time I walk down the street her friends snicker and laugh at me, all because I couldn’t perform one time.” So, it’s my opinion that it’s the woman who should say thank you. “Thank you, my man, for taking the time to truly make love to me and not just gratifying yourself.” “Thank you, Sir, for making me feel like a whole woman. For that I am eternally grateful.”

That’s why of late, I have asked my lady to give me a thousand dollars every time I make love to her. No, I’m not a gigolo, for she has me already, but just appreciation for my efforts to please her. My request was met with a blank stare, but you can appreciate my point.

Some women think the opposite, as for some reason they say it’s the man who should give thanks for the privilege of making love to her. Many irate callers to Dear Pastor voiced this, saying that many women use the terms, ‘give it up’, ‘let off’, ‘give him a piece’, ‘allow him something’, as if to say they are doing the man a favour. “He should be the one telling me thanks, after all, nuh me give him something?!”

This notion has survived for generations, and where and when it started is indeed a mystery. But many men have bought into it, and are eternally grateful when their women make love to them. No wonder many women dangle this sexual carrot before men, especially husbands, giving it up, and giving in to them whenever they feel like. So when the poor man does get his satisfaction, he’s so eternally grateful, that he can’t stop saying thank you. As they say, ‘him glad bag buss.’ “Oh honey, thank you so much for the little piece, you are truly a good wife.”

Wives have told me that they purposely withhold sex, and use it as a tool to keep their husbands in check. “You got to keep them wanting, you can’t just give it up all the time so, or they’ll get tired of you.” No piece, no peace, huh. So maybe that’s also a fear from women, that the men will tire of them if they get too much sex from them. As one woman told me, “No matter how much you love lobster, if you get it too much you will clide.” (clide…from cloyed, past tense of cloy) So that’s a concern.

The fact is, giving thanks is tied to age too, for the older you are, the more grateful you get. A man of 60 who just made love to a woman of 30 should be eternally grateful and tell her thank you, for she’s really doing him a favour. And a woman of 55, who just made love to a man of 30 should also be grateful, for Lord knows, he could be somewhere else with some young hottie.

So folks, the jury of public opinion is still out, but I have my views. We should give thanks yes, but perhaps not verbalise it. It really is a bit gauche to make love to your woman and then look her in the eye and say, “Thank you very much.” It’s such bad form. But men like to hear it. “Man, you are good, thank you for a good time.”

More time.

seido1@hotmail.com

Footnote: Last week was the staging of the annual Kingston College (KC) Old Boys’ reunion dinner, an occasion that I never miss. The extraordinary fast bowler Wes Hall was the guest speaker. This year honoured the late great cricketer ‘Collie’ Smith as well as the greatest schoolboy football team of all time, the 1964-65 Manning Cup Team, which went unbeaten in all competitions, including playing against big-man club sides. But what is striking about that team is that they are still a unit, still tight, and most went on to become doctors, lawyers, educators. professionals all. People do not understand the KC spirit, and it’s not all about sports, of which the school has no equal. The Rhodes Scholars are also in abundance, plus the other numerous academic milestones. No other school has won Boys’ Champs, Sunlight Cup or School Challenge Quiz as often as KC. It’s not a crime to be excellent. Fortis.