To punish me

For what you make me do,

Seems most unequal.

— Shakespeare, Antony

and Cleopatra II, 5

“IT’S your fault why I hurt you because you made me do it, and now you want to punish me for my actions?” I’m sure that many of you have heard that before, or at least something close. Do you deserve a partner like that?

It is said that people get the partners they deserve and the government they deserve. Is there any merit to that statement? Well, I tend to think so, for very often people will just sit down and take anything from their partner and do nothing but gripe about it. The same can be said about the government part as, irrespective of who is in power, people will just sit back and gripe on their verandahs about the state of affairs.

Still, that can be a sticky wicket, as sometimes it’s difficult to dislocate some governments, such as those headed by dictators with military might behind them. Also, the other types of government are just like new lovers, as they promise much in the beginning but deliver little in the long term.

But this is not about governments or elections or coups, but about dealing with something much more complex — your partner, lover, husband, wife, matey, or whatever you call your significant other.

When you look at your partner, can you truly say that he or she deserves to be with you, or that you deserve them? Well, the theory may very well hold true, that you really get the partner that you deserve. We’ll find out why, right after these responses to ‘Cheaters remorse’.

Hi Tony,

You are absolutely right, cheaters only show remorse when they get caught. When they were having fun carrying on their sordid affairs, there was no thought of consequences. But now that they face the possibility of losing what they had, out comes the remorse, the tears, the excuses, the lies. Sometimes they are so penitent that you may even feel sorry for them and accept part of the blame for their actions. I say run them with their remorse.

Ruth

Mr Teerob,

Revenge is a meal best eaten cold, and lack of remorse is the just dessert. I have cheated on my husband and I don’t have one shred of remorse as he deserves everything that he gets. In fact, I continue to do it under his nose. I feel vindicated because of what he did to me with his lying, cheating ways. Yes, he was the one who cheated first, and with my good friend too. Sure, it’s a cliché, but so is ‘same knife stick sheep stick goat’. I take great pleasure in cheating with his friends, and remorse is the farthest thing from my mind.

CR

The love you get is equal to the love that you give. At least that’s what the romantics say. And yet the reality often falls short. So many times people will give their all to a partner who in return gives them nothing but contempt, disrespect and abuse.

“That good woman doesn’t deserve that brute of a man.” But is that really true? Maybe she does deserve that partner whom she happens to be stuck with. After all, she chose him, and if she didn’t mind the treatment wouldn’t she simply leave?

This lady told me that men treat women in response to how the women present themselves to the men. “If you act like a doormat, he will treat you like a doormat and wipe his feet on you.” Clearly she knew of what she spoke, as her man really treated her badly for many years until she wised up and left him.

She explained how she used to cater to his every whim, hand and feet, treating him like a king, taking food to his office, washing his clothes every week, picking up his children from school every day. And yet he did nothing for her in return. Oh, did she mention that he was married? Well, he was, so he had his cake and ate it too. He was getting the milk for free, so why buy the cow?

Not even a movie he would take her to. And yet, she continued to be his serf, his vassal, his peon, his servant. He treated her with contempt because she had no respect for herself. So why should he respect her? She got the partner she deserved until she wised up. “Never again will I ever treat a man like that, unless he reciprocates,” she cried.

Now, there’s nothing wrong with treating a man well, as long as he respects and appreciates it. But men are strange creatures, and if a man can get free maid service and free sex with no strings attached, he’ll accept them gladly. The thing is, do women deserve such men? Of course some do, for it’s their choice, and everyone has a choice.

I hear this complaint coming a lot from women who are involved with married men, and I always tell them the same reason why the man treats them with indifference. He respects his wife but not them; he puts his wife first and them second, and that’s why he makes up all those excuses why he can’t leave his family. “I don’t deserve to be treated this way, after all I do for him.”

Sometimes men physically abuse their women, who in turn ask what they have done to deserve it. If a man hits a woman one time without warning, then that should be her cue to leave. But don’t stay in an abusive situation, hoping that he will change and then bawl about it for years. Sadly, you deserve it then, for clearly you can live with it.

Have you noticed that there are some women whom men cannot abuse, cannot lay a hand on? That’s because, as the old saying goes, ‘Duppy know who fi frighten.’ People know whom they can abuse and get away with it.

So he slaps her once and she takes it, which only opens the door for more. “Oh, she don’t mind it, let me give her a fresh one next week,” he may think. I’m not saying that it’s easy to leave, but it’s the right thing to do, as it only gets worse, and you will then deserve all that’s meted out to you.

My wife, who is a shopping expert, always says that you get what you pay for. Buy cheap goods and they won’t last, for they are inferior products. The same problem applies to relationships, and actually affects men too.

More than often men pick up women only because they happen to look pretty and sexy, a cheap thrill, ignoring the fact that their character is questionable. He then lives in a state of misery and complains how he doesn’t deserve a partner like that. But he does, for he saw the red flags, the signals, knew what she was like, that she was cheap, but was blinded by the light. He knew better, but ignored the warnings, and should have remembered the adage that all that glitters is not gold.

People don’t change, although others think that they will, then cry how they don’t deserve the ill-treatment. If the man was a beater, or cheated behind his wife’s back with you, why do you think that he won’t do the same to you? And then you whine that you don’t deserve his ill-treatment.

“But what about the good person who gets a bad partner, do they deserve that treatment?” I say, yes, for sometimes you pay the price for past sins and indiscretions. Not because you settled down and hung up your boots means that you’ve escaped the wrath of karma.

Not because you’ve stopped stealing other women’s men and now have your own man means that the long arm of karmic justice, payback won’t reach you. I always remember this woman crying to me years ago that another woman was involved with her husband and she didn’t deserve to be treated like that. When I reminded her that she took him away from his former wife, she never spoke to me again.

Some men end up with unfaithful women, and cry that they don’t deserve to be cheated on. What they conveniently forgot is how many of their friend’s women and wives they played around with. They may have forgotten, but karma never forgets. Those people deserve their current partners who are merely fulfilling a role, meting out justice.

So look long and hard at your relationship, do you deserve the partner whom you have; does your partner deserve you? Only you can honestly tell, but I do agree with the sayings, water seeks its own level, and people do get the partners they deserve.

More time.

seido1@hotmail.com

Footnote: Every now and then I have to big up a member of the media fraternity who may not have won any awards, but deserves praise nevertheless. Kerlyn Brown of CVM TV has a programme called Inspire Jamaica that truly inspires. She showcases children who are afflicted with health problems and focuses on how they and their families deal with the issues.

Maybe the production is not glitzy or glamorous, but the programmes are warm, sensitive and have a human touch. They show real people in their environment dealing with real problems. Some overcome them, while sadly, others pass away. We share their joy and anguish. Inspire Jamaica is touching and touches our hearts.