COUPLES who are courting relish the idea of reaping the sexual intimacy that comes with marriage.

Some, it is true, adjust quickly, while others suffer great disappointment, even depression, in the initial stages, owing, in part, to a series of trial and error. Has this heuristic approach been your experience?

Well, a greater understanding of each other’s needs is often critical to smoothing out the initial rough edges of sex. 

Her slower sexual response

After the wedding day, women generally remark initial discomfort during sex. Many husbands do not realise that, on the whole, women have slower sexual responses. These are encouraged by much display of tenderness and affection by husbands. In other words, wives appreciate husbands preparing them for intercourse.

If there is an occasion where the adage holds true, that haste makes waste, it is during sexual relations. Husbands, based on feelings, may be thinking of hastily rushing into sex to satisfy his sexual passions. In the end, wives may end up quite dissatisfied and frustrated, probably even wondering what the next experience will be like. 

Timing is master

Inexperience may be cured with time and patience. Both mates should try to understand the sexual needs of the other, and limitations, too. When a fruit is given time to mature, it is oh so good, similarly, husbands, by their exercise of patience, will more likely fully enjoy the fruits of sexual intimacy.

Furthermore, as time goes on, each should be seeking the interest, not so much of self, but of the other person. When this principle of seeking the other’s interests governs sexual intimacies, both parties tend to benefit more. 

Do your homework

Much ignorance surrounds sex. Advance preparation is, however, key.

Some find it good to read up on the subject. In fact, some wives have remarked and commended husbands for being gentle during intercourse. Getting medical information can prove beneficial. Sometimes an experienced parent or friend can be a confidant and provide advice. Some women have found good advice from their mothers. 

Be open

Many still see sex as something only to be done. Being open about sex is far better than being in silence and not expressing how one feels. Plans tend to crumble when there is little communication so speak about what works and what doesn’t. Remember, never use the sexual failings of a partner to tell him or her off.

Be open, too, about having children, so there is no misunderstanding where responsibility is concerned. For example, a couple may decide not to have children right away, but husbands may think this responsibility should be for the wife to work out. This can leave much stress on the woman. A man should recognise his share of responsibility and both should openly discuss the method of birth control they’ll employ.

Talk out things. These are very intimate matters, and while sex should not be everything in a marriage, other things tend to get thrown out of whack when sex is not intact. 

Warrick Lattibeaudiere, PhD, a minister of religion for the past 23 years, lectures full-time in the School of Humanities and Social Sciences at the University of Technology, Jamaica, where he is also director of the Language, Teaching and Research Centre. E-mail him at wglatts@yahoo.com