Dear Counsellor,

I am 23 years old, and my girlfriend is 35, and pregnant with my first child. It wasn’t planned, especially as she is already a single mother to a teenaged child. She has said that she doesn’t want to be a single mother of two, and suggested that we get married. I am OK with that, as I always said that I would marry the woman who had my first child. However, my parents are against the marriage, and have cited her age, the fact that she’s a mother to a child who is closer in age to me than I am to my girlfriend (the daughter is 16), and also, that we’re at different stages in our lives educationally and financially. What do you suggest? I think age is just a number, but I also see my parents’ point, especially as we all look towards the next few years. I love my girlfriend, but I’m also inclined to see and understand the other points that have been raised.

You are pressed between a rock and a hard place. You’re in love with your girlfriend, who’s pregnant, and wants to get married, but your parents object. Well, based on what you have said, your parents may have already attempted to help you look objectively at the situation. Yes, age is just a number, but the changes that come with age are very real.

While it’s quite important that you say “I love my girlfriend” the truth is, because of how we often define love, love is not enough. Relationships are sustained by maturity and a commitment to do what it takes to maintain mutual respect and mutual service. This isn’t easy for many well-meaning people. I’m not saying that your marriage couldn’t work, I am saying that it could be quite difficult.

Here’s why:

Experience and maturity: It’s quite likely that your girlfriend is more experienced than you are in many things. Her experience will probably guide her decisions. Your inexperience, or her assumptions regarding your inexperience, can cause differences and stress. It matters that you’re at different stages educationally and financially. While she will, as most women do, want her man to help make important decisions, she may doubt your maturity and ability to do so. #Friction.

Physical and psychological changes: In 15 years she’ll be slowing down, but you’ll be speeding up. You’ll be 38 and she’ll be 50. Chances are you’ll want to do things that she no longer has an interest in. You may have more energy and more curiosity. She’ll be at the settling stage, not needing much external activity. #Friction.

Communication and assets: A common challenge here is comments older wives often make to their younger men. Comments such as, “It’s my house” or “It’s my car”. She may already have many assets that you don’t have. Reminders may come regarding who acquired them and how. These comments deflate male ego. So, if she owns assets that you don’t, and you intend to use them, possible #Friction.

There are other pointers to share, such as the possibility of future strains with in-laws, etc, especially due to the already existing differences between her and your parents. Then there’s also parenting styles — she may be inclined to believe she has more wisdom to manage the children. #Friction. Not to mention you’ll be a stepfather, and there are dynamics to managing that. You’ll also have to gain the respect of a teenager, while maintaining the respect of her mother. #Friction. All this while you try to provide for the family, be a good parent to your biological child, and still be a proper stepfather to a teenage girl.

It will be a lot of managing of emotions, etc, over many years. You’ll have to be on your A game every day for many years to come. If you both insist, contact me at
counsellorscouch.com.

Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to
allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.