Counsellor,

I found out that my husband has been living a double life for years, and has another family, including children, in Manchester, where he works some days. This news has devastated me and the family, but I’m proactive enough to know that I’d be foolish to end things now, as I have my investment and my children’s future to think about. Divorce would mean losing too much of what we’ve spent years building, both financially and otherwise. He doesn’t want a divorce, and has ended things with the other woman, and says he will just take care of the two children. Can a relationship like this even be salvaged? We’re both in our early 50s, and have 30 years of marriage under our belt.

Your husband has lived a lie for several years and you’ve just found out. You want to know if there’s anything salvageable about your marriage. Well, it really depends on you. My question to you would be, are you willing to do the necessary work to make life liveable and fairly pleasant for yourself and your children while living with this new reality? Yes, most relationships are indeed salvageable, once both partners are up to the work needed. Your situation comes down to whether the particular important patchwork can actually be done.

As I say to couples, “Anyone that does the crime must be willing to do the time”. Your husband must acknowledge and apologise for his indiscretion and be willing to make proper amends with you and your children. He’ll have to be willing to pay the “doghouse” price. That is, he’ll now have to become much more available and accountable to you. He’ll have to make his routines predictable and himself vulnerable to you, as never before. That’s often quite difficult for some men. Yet, it’s the only way back to a decent marriage. He’ll also have to spend more time with your children to work on winning back their trust and respect. It must be clear that he’s doing some time.

Unfortunately, a lot of the ‘heavy lifting’ will be yours. You’ll have to figure out managing your emotions, managing the “climate” in the home, and managing communication with your husband. You’ll also have to help the children manage their emotions too. You’ll have to determine what changes in the marriage, and for how long. You’ll have to determine what is, in the end, best for your mental and emotional health, and not just your financial health. It’s hard emotional work, but it’s doable.

You will also have to consider how you’ll deal with these realities, and what you will require of him for:

1)Deceiving you: Keeping you in the dark about his dealings for years. How do you get back to a position of trust?! Some level of trust has to be restored, in order for you both to be able to relate again, and for you to generally feel safe. Trust will be critical for you both to be able to make any plans together.

2)Risking your health: Having unprotected sex with someone else. That puts you at risk. You should check with your doctor to ensure you’re okay.

3)Affecting your children: Disturbing their equilibrium. They will have to manage how they perceive their father and his credibility. There will be work necessary to ensure their own handle on values and their perspective on marriage and integrity. Also, regarding assets and inheritance, whatever was and is theirs to receive or inherit, may now be lessened. You may want to get some legal advice.

What I’d hope though, is that you never give up on your personal pursuit of happiness. Make sure you don’t stop affording yourself and your children good adventures, laughter, and the making of good memories. Don’t fold emotionally, etc, because of your husband’s indiscretion. You can always schedule a session with me for further assistance.

Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.