He controls my every move

Dear Counsellor,

I have been in a relationship for nine years, married five. This has been my worst life experience ever and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. This man tries to control my every move and it’s causing a mental breakdown.

He disrespects me constantly to make me feel useless and worthless; he is abusive in all aspects and I have had enough. I have no freedom in this relationship. I am not allowed to go anywhere apart from work, school and home. Sometimes I feel like am drowning in my own tears how often I cry.

I tried to do everything possible to be a good wife but it does not work. We split the bills at home and if there are times when there is no money for food, I help. When that is done, he says that I am having an affair and that’s where I get the money.

My husband is hated by a lot of individuals in the community and it hurts me to hear them speak bad things about him, but at the end of the day, I know they are telling the truth.

He is a compulsive spender and there are no future plans, no goals, and when I tried talking to him about our future, he doesn’t want to talk.

Counsellor, I could go on and on for days about this relationship from hell but it pains me to think about it. I have sought help multiple times and they only work until we reach the door.

At age 34 with three children, I have goals that I set that need to be accomplished for myself and for my children’s sake, but I can’t do this with a no-goal person. I need help like never before as this is killing me physically, emotionally and mentally.

Emotional abuse is just as or even more destructive than physical abuse, and has lingering devastating effects. The abused person is most times emotionally wounded with deflated self-esteem. As you have said, a feeling of uselessness and worthlessness is a characteristic that is present, as you have now internalised these negative expressions meted out to you by your partner.

People in dysfunctional relationships remain in this disagreeable environment for a number of reasons. Most stay in order to keep the family intact; some for financial and social security. For others, the thought of uprooting and starting all over is too much for them, and so a “can’t be bothered” mode set in and they decide to stay put and grin and bear it.

The abuser is usually quite insecure and uses emotional abuse as a controlling mechanism to ensure that he/she has a close rein on the partner. So closely monitoring your every move is what they do. Some will even use stalking tactics to maintain surveillance. Accusing the partner of seeing someone else is another strategy they use to justify their actions.

Coupled with this abusive behaviour is the gentleman’s tendency to overspend, which no doubt has implications for the financial viability of the home. No doubt this kind of life is quite distressing and can lead to depression.

At the beginning of the year people make resolutions; you may want to consider doing same. At the top of your list must be a decision on your part to change your approach to your circumstances. You must decide if you want to be a victim or a victor. Do you want to continue on the road of brokenness, or do you wish to restore your self-worth and self-esteem and live a fulfilling life? Remember, life is made up of 10 per cent what happens to us and 90 per cent how we respond to it. So the power to change your situation lies within you.

You may not be able to change your husband’s controlling behaviour but you can certainly adjust your response. So instead of allowing him to fill your mind with negative thoughts, you have to remove and block them and replace them with positive ones. Recount your strengths and accomplishments and highlight the positive feedback you have received from friends, family and co-workers who have validated your worthwhile contribution to their lives. In other words, take control of your emotions. Tell yourself every day: “I am NOT worthless, neither am I useless; I am too blessed to be stressed.”

Marital counselling intervention would be highly recommended to aid in sorting out the interpersonal issues. Individual counselling would be helpful for your husband to identify the causal factors that drive his abusive and compulsive spending behaviour and in your case, individual therapy would aid in the restoration of a positive self-image.

Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail.com